Drought

I hate it when people blog about how they are having a hard time finding things to write about. Really, what is the point? You are uninspired, you are tired, you are busy. Why would anyone want to hear about that? And yet...

NO. I won't do it.

Instead, I offer: 

Mira, with a rice cracker

...aaand, shocked the cracker right out of her mouth.

Did I mention that she's crawling and has a head cold?

Pata Pata Post (say that three times fast)

Chris is watching the first episode of the final season of Lost. The show ends and a commercial for a new Honda comes on. Hearing the music, I perk up.

"It's the pata pata! Do you know how many people find me by searching for 'pata pata'?"

"How many? More than three a week?"

"Yes!" (A quick check of my sitemeter shows that 4 of my most recent 40 visitors fit this description.)

"You should throw them a bone."

"What? I already posted about the pata pata."

"You could do more. How 'bout a weekly pata pata post?"




(I won't do that, but for those of you here looking for the Honda ad, this is your lucky day.)

Small Blog, Big Idea?

Mayberry Mom has a Room of Your Own idea for Blogher 2010.

Her proposed session is Little Fish in a Big Pond: Understanding, accepting, and loving your small blog.

 

Here is the synopsis: Make your blog work for you, no matter how big or small your audience or reach. Size doesn't have to matter as long as you are getting what you want and need from your blog (which will be different for everyone). We'll also touch on how to grow, sanely, if in fact that's important to you. For new bloggers, and for veteran bloggers who fear they've reached a plateau.

 

This is an issue that really interests me. I have been blogging for 4 years and have a small (but wonderful) group of readers. For the most part this is just right for me, but once in a while (say, when those "best of" lists come out) my smallness stings a little. I am interested in hearing what others think about having a "small blog", whether it is a joy, a temporary situation, or something else.

 

No matter what your take on small blogs, please vote for the inclusion of this session in the Blogher '10 program. Go here to comment or vote (or both)!   (you have to be logged in to Blogher to comment or vote)

Two Queens

After seeing a few interviews posted on some blogs, I decided to sign up for Neil's interview project.

I got to interview Queenie, of Baby, Borneo or Bust. I read a bunch of her archives and came up with some questions that, in my typical style, are pretty wordy. Queenie was nice not to complain about that.

* ** * 

Me: It is interesting to me to have gotten your blog in this experiment, as I am a fellow survivor of infertility. Our paths have been quite different, but I can relate to a lot of what you write about experiencing. I started blogging about my infertility after my older daughter was born, by which time I had talked to a lot of people in real life about what my husband and I went through. Is your blog your main outlet for talking about infertility, or are you "out" about it in your real life? If you are open about it, is it easier or harder to talk about in person compared to the blog? If you do not talk about this in the rest of your life, what made you decide to blog about it?

Queenie: I am not "out" in real life about our journey to creating a family.  It just has never been something that I wanted to talk about.  There were a couple of different issues.  First, because my husband and I are "older" parents, most of our friends are well past the toddler years, and none of them had any problems that I know of.  I just didn't think my friends could relate to what we were going through.  But perhaps more importantly, if we were not able to ever get pregnant, it just wasn't something I wanted people to know about.  I didn't want a crowd waiting every month to see what happened, and I didn't want input from others on what we should do if we couldn't get pregnant.  I didn't want people to know how we got from A to Z.  I really just wanted it to be us, making our decisions.  We were so old that people just assumed that we didn't want kids, so we never go any questions about it.  It just seemed natural to keep it to ourselves.  By the same token, I needed an outlet, and I needed support.  I needed a place to go and talk about what was going on, preferably with people who understood where I was coming from.  When I found Stirrup Queens, I found the infertilty and loss community, and blogging seemed like the perfect solution.  My blog has become the place that I dump how I am feeling at a particular moment, and it's been a great outlet for me.

Me: From reading your blog archives, it seems like you started blogging in large part because of your desire to have a baby and change your priorities regarding work/life balance. Do you consider yourself an infertility blogger? What will happen to your blog when your baby is born? Do you think you'll be a post-infertility blogger? A mommy-blogger? Something else?

Queenie: It's funny, but I don't consider myself to be an IF blogger, and I don't think I'll consider myself to be a mommy blogger after the baby is born.  I started the blog because I needed a space to dump all of the neuroses that were in my head, and that's still what I primarily use it for.  People reading my blog probably get a pretty one-sided picture of me, because it's really not all that multi-faceted.  I definitely started it when I was in a very bad place personally, in terms of both the struggle to create a family and also a personal/professional life that was badly out of balance, and I'd like to think that I've created more balance over the last year.  I'm not sure where it will head from here. . .stay tuned!

Me: I noticed that you are renovating your house and expecting the arrival of your baby. This kind of thing is more common than I'd think it would be; I have known people who move or enter into serious renovations after they get pregnant. What caused you to do this right before your baby shows up?

Queenie: We've actually been renovating our house for YEARS!!!  We've been doing the work ourselves (my husband is very talented and in the field), and have basically done a gut rehab, which is why it has taken so long.  It probably would've continued plodding along at a glacial pace, but for the imminent arrival of the baby.  I actually joke that if I had known that having a baby would've sped up the renovation timetable, I would've started trying to get pregnant years ago. I have noticed, by the way, that a lot of IF-ers seem to have renovations underway.  It is a good distraction at times. . .until you find yourself 9 months pregnant and needing to move out of your house so certain things can be completed, and then it's just a giant hassle!

Me: What does it feel like for you to be pregnant after such a struggle to achieve it? Do you feel scared, elated, at all conflicted? What about pregnancy is different than you thought it would be?

Queenie: This is such a good question.  For the first 4 months, I was certain something was going to go wrong, and I worried constantly about miscarrying again, or something being wrong with the baby.  We got worrisome stat's back after doing the NT scan, and opted to do chorionic villus sampling.  We went to a major, internationally renowned facility to have it done, which had a very low complication rate, so I felt comfortable doing CVS.  I knew I couldn't handle the wait until amnio would be possible.  When we got the normal results back, it was like a weight had been lifted from me.  We were outside the first trimester at that point, and I just decided that I shouldn't worry any more.  Since then, I have had a great, easy pregnancy (knocking on wood right now).  I think that is what has been most surprising for me about this pregnancy--how easy it has been.  I had always imagined pregnancy would be harder and much more uncomfortable.  Over the last few weeks, I have definitely become somewhat uncomfortable, but until then, I felt great.  That was a thrilling discovery--to feel well physically and to be worry-free was such a huge thing for me.

Me: A year ago you said there were three things you most wanted - a particular job overseas, to start your own business, and a third thing that at the time you could not bring yourself to write about. Has anything changed? Are the first two the same, and can you now disclose what the third wish was?

Queenie: Those three things were three things that I most wanted to accomplish professionally.  I can tell you that I continue to progress toward the job abroad.  I have been working my way through the hiring process for about 10 months now, and just learned last week that I've passed another hurdle.  As a backup option, I am still contemplating opening my own business, and I think that's something that I will be thinking a lot about in coming months, particularly after the baby is born.  As for the third thing. . .I still can't bring myself to say it out loud, but it's definitely still there, swirling around my mind.

Me: Your new years resolutions last year were to work simultaneously toward to your three goals and to take steps to improve your overall health. It can be really hard to stick to "do good things for myself" goals, even when you know they are linked to other things you want (like getting pregnant). How well do you think you stuck to your health-care improvement goal?

Queenie: I have done really well with my goals for last year.  I think that's probably why I've felt so good during my pregnancy.  Last winter, even before getting pregnant, I really made it a priority to eat well, get enough sleep, take vitamins, and to gain some weight.  I felt a lot better as a result, and I think that's also why we were finally able to achieve a sustainable pregnancy.  Before that, I had always put myself last as a priority.  After I became pregnant, I continued to take good care of myself, and put myself first.  It's been hard at times (particularly while working on that big project during November), but I've managed to stick to it.  I think that's also why I've felt so good during my pregnancy--I was treating myself so poorly last year and felt so bad as a result that all of the changes that I made really made a huge difference in how I felt, even pregnant.

Me: What are your resolutions for the coming year? (Please don't tell me it is "get more sleep" - as a mother of small children I can tell you that one will be hard to keep.)

Queenie: I haven't even thought about New Year's resolutions for this year.  My life is in a tremendously different and better place than last year.  I was in SUCH bad shape a year ago, in so many ways.  It's amazing to think of how far I've come.  This baby is just the icing on that cake.  Maybe it will be to slow down even more and to enjoy each passing day with the baby, because this time will be so fleeting and irreplacable.  If the job pans out that I want, it will mean a big move and lots of change, so it will be important to prioritize appropriately.  It's so hard to be a modern woman, but I just can't help wanting it all (at once)!

Me: I saw this from a post you wrote this past March: "How can you prepare for something so utterly huge, and which you've never experienced? At the end of the day, it's really a total leap of faith." Reading that made me think about an article I read that talked about people's orientation to the world. The author wrote that some people are optimists, while others are defensive pessimists. Optimists prefer to think that things will work out and not focus on the possible horror scenarios, while defensive pessimists feel compelled to prepare for all the horrible things that could happen. How do you see yourself? Does your orientation to the world differ depending on the type of situation you are facing? Do you respond to the possibility of a great new job differently than you do to the possibility of a successful pregnancy?

Queenie: I haven't seen the article, but from your description, I would say that I am totally a defensive pessimist, and across the board, regardless of circumstance.  When I am stressed about something, I definitely think out all of the negative scenarios that can happen, and prepare myself for how I'll handle it if the worst comes true.  My husband, on the other hand, is incredibly optimistic, and I drive him crazy.  I always tell him that we have different ways of handling things, and my outlook helps me manage the worst case scenarios.  On the other hand, my perspective also sometimes keeps me from doing things I should really do, because I can get defeatist about it, and think I have no shot.  It's good that my husband is so optimistic, because there are times when he's forced me to do things where things have turned out really well, and I would've never taken the step forward without his encouragement.  I need to learn to do that more, and take more risks.

* ** *

The second Queen mentioned in the subject line above is the Draft Queen, who posted her interview with me at her blog The Drafts Folder. Thank you to Queenie for answering all my questions, and thanks to the Draft Queen for her questions to me.

I am not a shill (f)or a clown

(or: it is posts like this that may explain why I don't get a lot of offers from marketers)

I recently got an email from a marketing rep. inviting me to an event hosted by Ringling Brothers/Barnum and Bailey (you know, the circus people), targeting "mommy bloggers". The deal was: free pedicures and a chance to mix with the circus elephants.

At the time it seemed like a good idea to check it out. Tuesday was my first day with a new mother's helper and all three kids, and I did not have anything planned with which to distract Ada. When Ada gets bored, things go south quickly. So, despite my misgivings about mentioning to this new helper that I am apparently the target market for a mom blogger event (not to mention my pride at accepting an invite at the last minute), we all piled in the car to see the elephants.

The invitation did not note where exactly the event would be held. The email said "the Rose Garden" (the sports arena where the Trailblazers play) but did not mention exactly where in this vast sports and parking complex we should go. No problem, your intrepid mommy blogger played up this uncertainty as an adventure and Ada actually went along with my cheerful subterfuge.

I love me some clown shoes

When we figured out where to go (we followed the clowns) the marketing executive recognized me right away (I'd written to her about shlepping my 3 kids along) and offered Ada a clown nose and circus coloring book. For her part, Ada only brightened up when she realized there were juice boxes and cookies for the taking. She wasn't entirely sure about the friendly clown who tried to chat her up. I think she doubted he was telling the truth about having a 5 year old son. She gave him a look that suggested she doubted whether clowns can really have children. I'll admit that I kind of wondered about this myself.

When it got close to time for the elephant to make an appearance, several protesters appeared with signs that read "Barnum Beats Elephants." I don't know the veracity of this claim, but the whole rest of the time I kept flashing to scenes from the novel Water for Elephants. I also recalled that Sarah had written about why she would not be taking her kids to the circus. No actual beating occurred in my presence and actually the elephant trainer seemed nice and interested in answering questions about the herd of Asian elephants it keeps. Frankly, I probably would have cared more about the protestors if they had not been holding PETA signs. I mean, I eat meat and wear leather shoes and have a family zoo membership, but I do care about animals getting beaten. But PETA has not won my heart with some of their tactics and campaigns (the whole holocaust campaign, for one). Nonetheless I felt my enthusiasm for the whole circus elephant show wane. It didn't help that it was very warm and sunny and Ian was squirmy in my arms. A lifelong vegetarian, he apparently doesn't like animal shows either.

 

She was a cute elephant, and a big fan of watermelon

So let's just say that I am not planning on going to the circus this weekend. It is maybe a little because I am squicked that the marketing firm tried to buy cheap press from mommy bloggers for the price of some pedicures and juice boxes, and a little because the circus animal thing is a little worrisome, even if I am not yet totally convinced by PETA. I'm sure Ada would have a good time, but I think I'd be uncomfortable and unhappy and oh who knows, we just won't be going.

Actually, I am only a little bothered by the marketers. That's their job, right, even if they do it sort of transparently. But I was really squicked by a posting from another mom who'd been invited. I won't link to her post because I don't know her and don't want to be (too) rude. But seeing her post about her efforts of the past year to social market her ass off and how this was her reward and evidence of what a good blogger she was, it made me question why I went at all. I hope this other woman enjoyed the pedicure and cookies.

Oh, and I didn't end up getting a pedicure. It was too hot in the sun and Ian and Mira were too squirrelly to make it worth waiting for, free or not. The elephant did get one though, and I can say that her toenails now probably look a bit better than mine.

(I was totally amused that the snack table included a bowl of circus animal cookies. THAT was funny. It almost made up for the fact that the email inaccurately noted there would be "elephants" with an S. Maybe they were counting the ones in the cookies.)

Search Me!

Recently people found me when they were looking for:

racist eggplant

aaaarrrrr (Is it more or less confusing that this search was from Korea?)

cheerleader cupcakes (also: cheerleading cupcakes - which I might like to see, actually)

can't get over assholes (try some of those cheerleader cupcakes, I hear they help a lot)

3 years

For some reason, bloggers feel compelled to mention their anniversaries. I am no different. Nonlinear Girl is 3 years old today.

This blog has mostly been a fun way to navel gaze and show off pictures of my beautiful family. It has also connected me with a lot of fascinating people, some of whom have become my real life friends. Plus, some of the people I have not met in person I still care about in a very real way. Reading their updates and stories is an important part of my day. For the human connections alone, the blog has been worthwhile.

Oh, and the blog has allowed me the space to take a lot of pictures. I have really enjoyed following Ada around with my camera. The blog inspired me to start (and complete) a 365 project, and to begin the one I am working on now. Yay for an excuse for creativity!

Thanks to everyone who has read and commented on the blog. I appreciate your input and am always happy to read your thoughts - here, on your own blogs or in person.

balloons for everyone!

Live Blogging: Mommyblogging and Privacy

I am in the Blogher session on public parenting and privacy. Hearing these stories I started to wonder if I should worry more. I have a fairly small readership, and I know many of them (more of them as of today). BUT. I can not know everyone who is reading.

The speakers (and audience) are talking about not using their kids' names and not using pictures of their children on their blogs. I am not sure how I'd do this. A couple of years ago I considered switching from names to psuedonyms, but in the end kept referring to my family by their names. Some of my favorite pictures of Ada are closeups; I am not sure I am ready to give up showing those.

I have limits - I do not share my last name online. I don't write about certain things. The moderator says it is  about balance.  This is very comforting to me. I think we all need to do what feels right, while being clear-eyed about what we share. Beyond those with extreme stranger fear (legitimate or not), I am hearing good advice about thinking before writing, and abut considering the impact on myself and those I write about.

What the hell are you doing poem, er, post.

Some of the searches that have led to people here. Maybe you can explain these:


"scroti rhode island"

(Help, Canadians, one of your fellow countrymen was looking for this.)


"girl bladder rock"


As in a girl's bladder is cool, or girl has a rock bladder? Maybe the girl with the rock bladder can help find:

"girl pumpkin face"


"Pictures of my sisters vagina"

Sorry, your sister and I are close, but we don't have that kind of friendship.


"Grandpa babysitting picture jokes"

"what the hell are you doing poem"

"very old ladies gets milk"

I wouldn't deny them if they wanted some. But only 2%.


"list things that scare me"

Wouldn't it be more fun if you did that?

Lazy Updates - Haiku Edition

Pink eye Saturday
Two hour doctor appointment
No dinner with friends

On birth control pills
Ironic IVF start
Hormones in the mail

Northwest holiday
We should expect rain by now
Living room egg hunt

Work still kicks my ass
Nights to catch up on "The Wire"
Once taxes are done

Ada loves bacon
She likes to wear band-aids too
Two pleasures in one

Self indulgent blog
nonlinear girl dot com
Now belongs to me

It feels way too early to be asking this

The blog, she's a toddler. No longer a baby, but not as old as my neighbor down the street, who recently declared that he could take care of himself, because he's four. (Oh, if only the blog would take care of herself. Or if she'd at least she'd update her own blogroll without my intervention.)

I mention the blog's advanced age not because it has just hit an anniversary. That was, I think, in January. I mention this because I am finally thinking about going to BlogHer. The first year, I could not imagine going. The blog was only months old, and there were so many other things to do, plus my glass slippers were so dusty.... Last year I wanted to go (and got a lot of pressure from a local pal to attend) but in the end I decided that it was too great an indulgence. I immediately regretted it. Fine, she was right, I should have gone.

So now I am ready. And I might even have someone to stay with. But I am still a little nervous. Having read a zillion pre- and post-BlogHer musings by many of you, I know I am not alone. So what I want to know is, are you going? Are you thinking about it? I'm not asking you to hold my hand for three days, but it would certainly be easier for me to make the leap if I knew I'd see some friendly faces. Especially now that Debbie keeps threatening to stop blogging, which might reduce her interest in attending the conference with me. Damn her.

So, who's with me? (early registration lasts until the end of March...)

Stumptown Ladies Sing This Song

One of the benefits of starting this blog, and of reading other people's blogs, has been meeting some fantastic people. I started to worry a bit when several people who I first met through their blogs stopped posting. I am still friends with them in real life, but I started to wonder whether I had a similar super-power to that my friend Jiro years ago learned he possessed. In Jiro's case, his special power was making women drop out of college. Each of the women he dated in college dropped out. Not one or two, either, but he dated five women while the women were in college, and each left school during or after their relationship with him. In retrospect, he realized he'd had a chance to use his power for good, if only he'd known what to do. You see, while Jiro did not attend the same college as she did, he was in college in the same city as Monica Lewinsky, at the same time. Just think, if he'd dated her while she was a college student, she'd have dropped out, which would have likely made it impossible for her to get an internship in the Whitehouse, thereby changing the course of history!

But it is too late to think about that. And I took you on this entertaining little digression only because, as I mentioned, I started to worry that I possessed a similar power, making bloggers stop writing just by becoming friends with them. But then I became friends with Debbie, who in addition to being a real-life nice person and funny, smart girl, is a fantastic writer in the best kind of stream-of-consciousness way. Her writing is hilarious and poignant within the same breath-taking paragraph, digging deep to offer truths about her darker corners while leavening a post with references that stretch your brain and make you cackle with recognition. This is a woman who, even when she wants to stop writing, can not, and for that I am very glad.

And this wisp of Portland fantastic-ness, she nominated me for a Perfect Post award. The post she honored, about not being pregnant, was written from a moment of darkness. Talking about light in that post was a form of self-therapy, an attempt to remind myself that the despair I felt on that day would lift. Thankfully, it lifted, and faster than I would have imagined. Just as I was moved that people responded with support and condolences, I am honored that the post meant enough to Debbie that she bothered to make her feelings known. Thank you Debbie, it means a lot to me.

People, people who make comments, are the luckiest people...

Usually I don't notice this kind of thing until mid-day on the day in question, but for once I am up on it (thanks for posting on this early, Mo-Wo!)

Schmutzie (who created the button above) says comments are down everywhere. Good to know, since the autumn increase in comments I experienced last fall hasn't materialized yet this year. If you are lurking about, never commenting, use this opportunity to say "hi". I'd love to know you are out there. A real post will follow tomorrow, I promise. With photos of my semi-craftiness, no less.

Crochet tiger, hidden search terms

I was at the beach all this past week, but while I shake the sand out of my pants and sort through the laundry and Ada's piles of broken shells, I thought I'd share my google embarrassment. I'm never too busy to share my embarrassment.

I was laughing that someone found me by googling "free chroched baby blankets" (and trying to imagine a crotch in the blanket, for easy swaddling!). Then I followed the link and noticed that earlier this year I did type "croched". Even better, it was in reference to an actual, um, knit novelty item that makes croched more appropriate than crochet.

Don't Shoot

When the number of visitors to my nonlinear home started to drop this summer, I was not concerned. I remember this from last year. People are busy in the summer, and it seems right that they would not be spending their time here when they could be out with friends and family, enjoying back yards, porches and sunny parks.

But a few weeks ago my visitor count spiked. I was suddenly getting a third to half again as many visitors as I normally do. At first I was really confused - why were people googling a particular phrase and ending up here? (I'd tell you the phrase, but that will just encourage google to keep me high on the first page of this particular query. The phrase in question happens to be the title of a recent post.) Little did I know that my title hit a hot google search phrase. And by "hot," I mean pictures of women in states of undress, sexily hamming for the camera.

So yeah, for the past few weeks hundreds of men around the world (ah, the global p-rn viewership) are popping by my site, only to find a complete lack of nakedness, and quickly clicking away. And although I am happy for people to stop by, I am pretty committed to NOT taking my shirt off on the blog.

So, to all the wayward googlers: Go Away. What you want is the FIRST site on the page of links. Not me. Nothing to see here.

I'm sure that in another few weeks my post will be old enough that I will slide down the rankings enough to be moved off the first page. For now, I can live with the higher than normal number of visitors recorded by sitemeter as staying for 0:00.

Pardon Our Dust

The use of a new photo should not suggest that I've changed the blog too much. I just got fed up with my previous attempt at sprucing up the template and made some quick changes so that I can stand to look at the page. (Edited to add: all the work to make the header at least semi-presentable is by Chris. Thanks, Chris.)

You know how you can go along with something looking terrible (like say, the kitchen floor) for weeks on end, and then suddenly if you have to live with the mess for one more second you are going to run out of the house and join the circus? No? Well, you probably never let your floor get as bad as mine looks right now. In any case, I had one of those moments with the blog tonight. I needed a change - I'd updated the template, which was fine except I hated the huge margin font and things never worked the way I wanted them to. Maybe one day I will splurge and get some professional help to clean the place up. Until then, I will slowly work on it myself, the equivalent of finally mopping the floors and cleaning off a corner of the dining room table for you.

Until then, I remain, lost in a poopy fog, Nonlinear Girl.

Sharing is Fun

Some of the blogs I read are a glimpse into other worlds. They show me other ways of living, of thinking, of being. Then there are blogs I read because they are comfortable. I have "me too" moments or share something with the writer, whether that's a sense of humor, interests and experiences, or neuroses.

I feel both these things when I read what Laurie of Upside Up writes. I am intrigued by her glimpses into life with twins, and enjoy looking ahead a bit into the life of children just a little older than Ada. I also read Laurie's blog because, even though I have only met the part of her that she shares at Upside Up, I regularly enjoy her sense of humor and find myself laughing out loud at the flotsam she grabs from the ether for her readers. I enjoy "knowing" Laurie, and am interested in the things she has to share.

In support of sharing, I wanted to pass on that Laurie and three blog-friends have just launched a new site, called sk*rt. The sk*rt publicity materials say that:

sk*rt is an online media ranking site created for and by women, featuring topics women dig.

sk*rt was designed to promote sites, blogs, video, products, articles, ideas, art, etc. to women and to the men who want to get in our heads.

I checked it out and find it easy to use and interesting enough for me to return. Laurie asked if I (and everyone else in her rolodex) would help her promote sk*rt. Since I like Laurie and I liked the site, I agreed. I hope you like it too.

If that isn't enough for you, I also wanted to share a brilliant post Laurie wrote in April, about traveling with her girls, and fear and parenting in an unsafe world. This post has stuck with me since I read it months ago. If that isn't enough reason to share such a post, I don't know what is.

One Year Old

No, not Ada. She's nineteen months, for those who care about such things. No, I'm talking about the blog. The blog - my time sink, my indulgence, my vanity project...

To celebrate, well, this thing, this piece of me, I dug into my archives to see what I've been doing here the past year. After looking back through a year's worth of posts, the thing that knocks me out is not how much I have learned, or how much better my writing has gotten (oh, I wish), but how much more hair Ada has! Wow was she a baldy!


At first I thought this thing would be about Ada, a record of her development. But eh, that gets boring. How often can I write (and how often can you read) about her poop or what she's just learned to say? (Well, maybe you can take it once in a while. How could I not tell you that this week's word is Zamboni?) But rolling ice smoothing machines aside, it didn't take me too long to realize what I wanted to say was really more about being with Ada, being her parent.

I started out not really knowing which of us is the nonlinear girl - Ada or me. I am still not sure. We are both wandering, not following a plan. Maybe one side benefit is that when she's older she can see what I was thinking about, know it is okay not to have a plan. It took me so long to figure that one out for myself; maybe I can make it a little easier for her. Even if it does not mean anything to her later, it is still fun for me now. That should be enough for a little vanity project.

What the hell does that mean, nonlinear girl?

Always the last to know

I've been working this week, for a change. So I was a little slow to notice that it is National De-lurking Week (which feels both like a thinly veiled cover for me to root you out, and like a fabulous way for me to root you out, dear reader!).

Even if this is your first time here (but how likely is that?), even if you got here by googling "how to make my husband do all the cooking" or "fearful, crouching masturbators," even if you never ever comment or are still pissed off that my daughter called you Tito, now is the time! Comment. Let me know something about yourself. Where are you? Who are you? How did you get here?

Don't make me beg.

Curb Your Enthusiasm

It just isn't cool to be so enthusiastic. For example, you read blogs. Maybe you read a bunch of them. Some you read religiously, others casually. Ok, enough distancing - I read a bunch of blogs. I've got a few daily reads, maybe six or so. Maybe more. The "must reads" vary with my level of infatuation and the business of my schedule. Others I read every few days, when I have the time or bloglines says there are several posts. I skim, looking for a post that speaks to me. (Stop shaking your head, you do it too.)

The first time I met one of my regular reads we talked about blogs because we didn't know each other enough to talk about much else. (Hold on, see, already I am shying away from full enthusiasm. I first typed "one of my favorite bloggers" but then decided that sounded to sycophantic. I mean, we are just becoming friends. What if she thinks my enthusiasm makes me creepy, like that guy you went out with once in high school but were frightened away from when he came on too strong. You'd see him coming down the hall and duck into the girl's bathroom to avoid his love notes and pathetic interest.)

But now I have met Debbie a few times and watched her son smile and wander and chatter. So we talked about other things, Portland, kids, clothes, kid clothes (including a cute idea she has for her shop), etc. But as I have found bloggers will do, we started to talk about blogs. She mentioned that she'd gotten some weird traffic from posting photos of her shoes (and subsequently took the photos off, which apparently failed to foil the shoe-fetishizing googlers). She started to say something about this post, and I butted in with "I think that is the first thing I read of yours!" - acting all gushy and pathetic. She probably didn't notice, concerned as she was that she'd made some kid-visit faux pas (which she didn't).

And if it wasn't enough to be dorky and effusive around new people, then there was that tuba thing.

The tuba that made Ellen and me wish we played
What grown woman gets so enamored of the idea of two hundred people tooting holiday songs and wearing coordinated stocking caps? Even though it was fun. Dorky, but fun. The only disappointment was not the tubas, and certainly not the octogenarian conductor (who was, as one would expect from a tuba-loving, family concert giving, thin and kindly man, funny in an incredibly corny way). No, the Christmas songs were the problem. For the most part they are really freaking slow. But rather than yell (as I wanted to) "PICK UP THE PACE, TUBAS!" I enjoyed the moment for what it was.

As further evidence of my utter dorkiness, I offer the following photo of myself at Tuba Christmas. Not only did I allow this photo to be taken of me (making this face and wearing this hat) but then I self-mockingly post it on my own site.

Ah well, some people really are gluttons for punishment.

So yeah, I just can't help myself. Despite being more easily embarrassed than I wish I were, I tend to be too enthusiastic in a way that the hipsters at the coffee shop down the street would scorn. Have scorned. But then Ada steps in to remind me that enthusiastic is okay. Because no one is enthusiatic like a toddler. Her joys are written all over her face, they radiate in the way she shivers with happiness when her PAPA! walks through the door at night, they leap from her when she declares "'ken!" (her take on "again"). As much as I might wonder about what makes her want to read that book 7 times in a row or play some little game over and over, it is fun to see her clear and unembarassed enthusiasms. Today it was the picture of the llama family in a book, her car, bear, and a little game with me and later with Chris in which we repeatedly hid under a blanket with a toy frog. Who we were hiding from, or why was not clear, nor were these details important. What was important was that we were in this game together, hiding under a blanket, laughing, getting kissed by a toy frog and one another, and emerging, just slightly over-warm, into the bright light before covering up again for another round.


When Ada's enthusiasm for this game outlasted mine, Chris took over and was deemed a good substitute. Lucky for us all, frog will play until Ada tells him to stop.