Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Side Effects

I may in fact be losing my mind.

Yesterday I was working at home so that I could get to my weekly acupuncture appointment. (There is some evidence it can improve the success rate for IVF.) My computer dinged at me, reminding me to head to my appointment. I kept working on the document I wanted to get out before I left. That done, I hopped in the shower, pulled on some clothes and ran out the door.

Congratulating myself for being a few minutes early, I walked into the office. The very friendly secretary greeted me warmly, and said "we were expecting  you at 9."

WHAT? I looked down at my blackberry, and yes indeed, my appointment was for 9, not 10 am. What is wrong with me? Why did the 8:45 reminder not ring any bells? Fuck.

I started to cry, and the secretary tried to find me another appointment this week. No luck, my doctor is out on Friday and booked up today and tomorrow. FUCK. The loss of a single appointment is itself not a huge deal, I have a few more appointments scheduled before all this is done. But I was inconsolable. I could not help but flash to to something I read the other day that suggested Lupron use could be linked to memory loss and other problems. Not that I have noticed an increase in forgetfulness (and this stupidity is not exactly about memory), but it triggers for me a fear that all this hormone injecting and other doping could have long-term bad effects.

During Sunday dinner I told friends I was not feeling worried about the IVF not working, but that this meant I also was not feeling excited.  Some measure of anticipation feels required - some kind of mind over matter nonsense that I can't stop myself from thinking must be important. I am still not excited, but now I am scared. Not scared that it will not work, but scared that the process may scar me in some unanticipated and irretrievable way.

All this feels like a big response to a missed appointment. The reaction would have been there without this to trigger it; something else would have brought it up. Now I feel all jangly and out of sorts.


  1. Oh yeah. The lupron craziness. Set more alarms. Take a deep breath.

    I hope this works for you.

  2. I was never on Lupron..and never went further than drugs with IUI, but I always worried I was using up all my eggs when they'd tell me I had 8 or 9 follicles.

  3. The lupron makes me so ditzy as well. It's extra tough when you make a mistake at work.

    I can't imagine getting excited for a second IVF. IVF #1 is sort of exciting because it's a new thing and it's easy to think, "This will definitely work!" but if I had to look forward to a second one my enthusiasm would be the size of my long term memory right now, which is zilch.

    I think it's okay not to be excited. That doesn't mean you're dooming yourself or that you won't get excited when this is The One That Works.