Thursday, March 23, 2006

Boy Boy Boy Boy Boy Girl Boy Boy

Ada's friends are all boys, and I like it that way.

Monkey-boy, Henry, Pawie, Dylan! and Leo all make her laugh; she loves their antics and is truly amused by whatever they do. Much of Ada's wardrobe comes from Monkey-boy. Her shoes are his hand-me-downs, she wears his old jeans and red shirts, along with all the pink things everyone gave us before she was born. I love that she is around boys who goof off for her, bring her toys and do whatever they can to make her laugh. As she grows she will engage them more, playing and exploring her world with them.

Don't get me wrong, it isn't that I don't like girls. I'm thrilled to have one. It is just that when we spend time with girls at playgroup, I feel surrounded by a sea of pink. Worse is the feeling that the parents (ok, the moms) appear concerned about their girls being girly enough. There is a weird undercurrent of gender patterning that makes me uncomfortable. At one playgoup a mom said to Chris that a particular toy was a great plaything, "you know, for a boy." What? How is a ball not a good girl toy? Kids - babies - Ada's age don't know or care what physical sex they are or what the rules are for their gender. I know there are some innate differences between girls and boys; I have seen them in action. But why teach kids the "rules" so early? Ada has some great clothes, and I'll admit to caring about clothes myself. But every time someone coos over her outfit I cringe a little. I hate the idea that she's learning that clothes are what people think girls should care about, that being cute is important.

I think I worry about this - especially the focus on the importance of "cuteness" - in part because I was never cute. I was a huge child, the tall gangly brown haired, brown eyed girl with the long weird limbs sticking out of too-short pants. My childhood best friend was short and adorable, and people were always telling her that. I was jealous that she got so much attention (and that I didn't) for something neither of us could control. I am fairly sure that Ada is going to be a big girl too. It has been not quite nine months, but she has not dipped below the 90th percentile for height yet. I'm tall and her papa is 6'5". It seems inevitable that she'll be tall and that her growth will happen early.


Cute is over-rated. Cute doesn't help you reach the top shelf, cute doesn't let you see over people's heads at a rock club. Sure, cute can get you noticed, but it can also teach you that attention is something you get for reasons having nothing to do with your brain or your heart. I want Ada to run with the boys and throw like a girl. And I do think Ada is cute. (Ok, I think she is fucking adorable.) But I don't want her to think that I love her because she's cute. I don't want her to worry about cute at all.

9 comments:

  1. Babies can never go wrong when they wear stripes :)

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  2. being tall and gangly and awkward as a child and an adolescent was hard. being tall and not quite so gangly and not quite so awkward as a teen, and tall and happy as an adult, totally rocks. looking back at the childhood/adolescent phase, i realize that anybody looking at me then and not seeing the future swan in me was a total fucking idiot. i hope you can teach ada that.

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  3. You rock tall girl! I was thinking about the cool tall women in my life and am glad they will be around as role models for tall excellence! Speaking of which, the gal would love to see you whenever you want to stop by. Just keep her to a 3 drink limit, ok?

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  4. I have always been small and "cute"--and although I'm sure it was nice as a kid and a teen, I did--and do--feel like it really held me back. People who see you as "cute" don't expect you to be capable of much. You know: little person equals little intellect or something.

    Anyway, thanks for stopping by my blog earlier!

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  5. I think Ada will be growin up just fine with a mama like you, even if she is cute! :) She must be feeling better. We will have to play next week, if she can work another boy into her male saturated play dates. ;)

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  6. Hey, I totally agree with the sentiment. I wasn't cute-- just tall and chubby with a boy's haircut because my mom would not deal with a long mane. But...Ada's amazing, from what I gather, and she's also cute as a bug's ear. She's gonna have the best of all worlds. We'll have to sit her down when she's 15 and wants to be short, and tell her about seeing over people at rock concerts. :)

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  7. My two year old girl loves her trains and trucks and insists on wearing pants over skirts any day. I'm just fine with that!

    I was a girlie girl but I'm going to encourage my children to do what feels right for them. I just hope she'll play Barbies with me from time to time.

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  8. Amen. That was a great post.

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