The post in which insecurity almost gets the best of me

On Saturday I performed a wedding ceremony. Although I am an ordained minister, this ceremony did not require the blessing of the state. My friends Ellen and Jiro are already married (I performed their legal ceremony two years ago), but this was their wedding, their family and friends, white dress and black suit ceremony.

To prepare for the wedding, Ellen, Jiro, Chris and I did the obvious; we had dinner. We sat on their patio and talked about what Ellen and Jiro wanted in a wedding. I wrote the ceremony, practiced and prepared. When the processional music swelled, I welled up. (And under my breath, swore at myself. I thought I could last longer before I started to cry.) I read my part, prompted Ellen and Jiro for theirs, smiled, cried and and laughed.

During the ceremony, I felt good about what I was saying. I've had the experience, when giving talks and briefings, of hearing myself speak. You know that feeling where you hear yourself as if you are standing outside yourself? Usually when this happens I see myself and think that I am not making sense, that my words sound like gibberish. On Saturday I heard myself speak and felt thrilled - the sentences I'd worried over were coming out right, the meanings emphasized as I hoped, ideas clear and alive. It was one of those perfect moments, radiant and full of joy. The joy was for Ellen and Jiro, and for myself, for my ability to give them such a moment.

After the wedding I was a huge unsheathed nerve. I wanted to laugh and cry and drink gallons of water. I felt wonderful, but as more and more of the wedding guests approached me to say the ceremony was beautiful, that I'd done a good job, I started to lose my high. Instead of absorbing the praise and allowing it to further elevate my mood, it made me doubt how good the ceremony had actually been. Once the jangles wore off (and I'd had a gallon or two of water) I stopped thinking about the ceremony and got into the fun of the reception. The nagging worry held on a little over the next day or so, until my sister told me what she thought of the ceremony.

My sister is very analytic and smart. She's also a great writer whose opinion I value greatly. She said that she thought the ceremony was the most emotional one she'd ever attended. She said that my wedding had been more personally affecting, but as a ceremony this one had been the top. Her comments did for me what everyone else's had not. They brought me back to the joy. I hope I can keep it with me, because it feels wonderful right now.

You know a party is going well when people start fan-dancing