My sister, my confidant?

My sister was in town recently. My sister is very important to me, and her visits can feel emotionally charged. It's weird how a sibling relationship can be both more and less intense than a "normal" friend relationship. There can be a closeness and history that is more intense than what is experienced with most friends. But there is also a tendency to treat a sibling with less care than one would another friend. As with a romantic relationship of long standing, so much is assumed.

When my sister visits I want to get as much focused time with her as possible, but know that other things will intervene. Ada takes a lot of energy and attention, my sister has friends in town she'd like to see, and this time much of the visit was taken up with a wedding that she, her fiance, my parents, Chris, Ada and I were attending. (Oh right, and that I officiated.) I recently wrote about feeling insecure about the ceremony, which I crafted for my close friends based on our conversations and my knowledge of them from many years of friendship. My sister's positive feedback was very important to me, in no small part because she is so smart and incisive. Knowing she liked the ceremony made me feel good about it in a way that, until we talked, I did not know I needed.

Despite my closeness with my sister, I held off on sharing the blog with her. I've been wanting to tell my sister about the blog but have been too big a weenie to do it. Really, how was I supposed to tell my younger, brilliant grad student, excellent writer sister that I'm writing publicly about my daughter's poop and my own petty frustrations? I can't believe I kept this a secret so long, but my fear of what she will think has kept me silent. I don't worry that she'll mock the blog to me, or even to our shared friends. I do worry that she'll mock it, that she'll think it is boring, or that the writing is bad. I already have this fear with other people. A college friend and his wife apparently check in once in a while. Both smart, funny people, those two. So I worry that they think I am ridiculous, but mostly I can deal with that. (It helps that I have incriminating photos of my friend from his less suave periods.) Another woman I know recently found the blog while searching for my friends' wedding site. Instead of worrying, I am just thrilled that she checks in once in a while. (Hi Kath!) I think it helps that I don't know her very well. Also, I can't wait for her next film to get finished, so I can tell you about it here.

But back to my sister. At first I thought I would tell her after I'd be writing here for six months. Then I thought I'd tell her when she came to visit for the wedding. But she came and left and I didn't mention the site. And now I have another reason to want to hold off, but it is the same reason I want to share with her. I decided I wanted to write about her, or really about our relationship. It feels wrong to get into that without telling her that I am writing about it, in public no less.

There are so many things I've want to talk to her about lately, including what for me is a difficult transition to knowing her partnered. I have always been able to command her time more fully during visits. Now she has a partner, soon to be spouse. Understandably, she loves him more than anyone. Although I barely know him, I can see how crazy she is for him, the extent to which her universe has shifted to accommodate his move to its center. I don't love him yet (how could I after only three visits?) but I love how much she loves him. But I am jealous, too. I am coming to terms with the fact that I things have changed, and not in a way that soothes my need for her attention and approval.

My sister had to face such a change when Chris and I got involved. Fifteen years ago, when she was 14, my sister met Chris. It was not an immediate bond. Now they get along well and even have an independent friendship of sorts, but I am sure it was an effort to deal with a changed relationship with her older sister.

I talked to my sister this weekend. After what feels like months of conversations about nothing, we talked about her visit and getting to know her with her guy. After an hour of talking, I finally admitted to the blog. (And I didn't even get to have 3 beers first) She asked a couple of polite questions. And we moved on.

It was a little anti-climactic, and a little disappointing that she didn't seem very interested. But that's ok, because I finally told her. The thing that had bothered me the most was feeling I was keeping something from her. Now that I've told her, I don't feel like I'm holding out on her. Much better for the relationship, and probably for the blog.