Feeling MUCH better.

I was doing better yesterday, and then Chris and I went out for dinner and had such a nice evening. I think we really needed a good night together without other people. I love spending time with E and J, but I need to remember to make time just for Chris.

We walked over to Noble Rot (which I love love love). We had champagne and sat at the bar for dinner. The waitstaff are so friendly and thoughtful, it is a treat to go there.

C and I talked about the sperm-penetration test results, my desire for a "fertility holiday" for a few months at least, wanting to get IVF, etc. He said that although he was sad to find out that he's likely the reason we aren't conceiving, he is happy to have more info and to know that it isn't me. He knows I have been blaming myself and wanted me not to worry that it was my fault. I actually had the reverse feeling - I was kind of hoping the test would be negative because I didn't want him to feel bad that it was him.

We also talked about our summer plans. He and his brother are leaving town early next month, on their way to New Mexico via a visit to Josh in Colorado. C will be working in NM for about a month and my plan is to visit around July 4. Hopefully E won't go into labor until I get back!

I mentioned my desire to go to Spain, so we are planning on going during C's fall break. I have been putting off things like trips because I keep thinking "next month I could be pregnant." I realize this is silly and need to just live, whether or not I am pregnant.

I'm not really able to express how nice this evening was. The combination of the weather, the walk, sitting in this restaurant we love, eating great food, talking about important things and laughing and feeling happy together - it was so great.

I read in one of this week's nyt articles on infertility that a high percentage of couples who have gone through fertility treatment have high marital satisfaction. I'm sure it is not the process, per se, but it is good to know that the process doesn't have to rip people to shreds.

Me, me, me, him?

The whole infertility thing feels very weird right now. By the nature of the thing, most of the focus was on me. Am I ovulating, are my tubes open, other reasons why I might not be pregnant. Plus, for two years, I was the one to track my cycles – taking my temp right when I woke up every day, so that I could see when I ovulated. Peeing on a stick to get a day’s heads up that I would ovulate. Initiating sex even if I was exhausted or depressed, so that we could time things right, listening to my body’s symptoms. Getting the monthly physical announcement that I wasn’t pregnant.

Two years is a long time to do this, emotionally speaking. This has been about me and my body, so of course I assumed that it was something wrong with me that was causing the problem. This was seemingly confirmed by the good test results Chris got earlier this year (good number of sperm, shaped fine, moving, etc). Hearing that the problem is from his side rather than mine is a bit of a shock. I feel a little relieved that it isn’t me, but I also feel bad for thinking that.

Why doesn't it feel like good news?

The endocrinologist called today to give me the results of the sperm penetration test. (Since C's sperm looks normal, moves fine, etc, they tested how well they could penetrate ova). The sample tested 2 standard deviations below the normal population, showing a "significant reduction" in sperm penetration.

I really have been sure that I was the reason we weren't conceiving. Knowing that is not it (and knowing what is wrong) doesn't actually make me feel better, though the doctor acted like this was great news. At least we know what is wrong and can move right to IVF (when we scrape up the $10,000 it will cost). Still, not feeling as perky as Dr. Lee sounded.

To get pregnant given this hurdle, the clinic will pump me up with hormones to get me to super-ovulate, extract my eggs, and use a super tiny micro-pipette thing to jam a sperm into each egg. Then they grow them a bit and then stick a couple back in my uterus with the hope that one or more of them will snuggle in.

I wish I was strong enough to say "screw ivf, let's adopt" but I don't think I am. Although I like the idea of adopting a child and giving him or her a life that would have otherwise been unavailable, I see two adoption down-sides. First, I am not sure I am comfortable with the (natural) desire for an adult child to find his birth parents. I know that this would be a long way off, but right now - in the throes of wanting a child - I can't imagine being as open and loving as will be required when this child goes looking for his "real" parents.

The other thing is a horrible snobby fear that we'd adopt a child who wasn't that smart. Not that I am the brain of the world, but excitement about academics and achievement was a big part of my childhood and Chris's. I know we'd still love a child who wasn't into that kind of thing, but as long as I'm being honest I need to admit that this bothers me. I worry that the likelihood of this happening grows when one adopts a child from another country, where the mom's health care could have been bad, the child may have lived for months to years with poor nutrition and medical care, not to mention neglect.

In any case, it looks like this summer and fall we are taking a little vacation from trying to conceive, while we collect some cash. The timing stinks, since June, July and August are the months Chris doesn't get paid (thank you university, with your 9 month pay schedule).

I was feeling so low yesterday, that I don't feel any worse today. I guess I feel a bit better just because it is so exhausting to sustain such a blue mood. That was part of the problem yesterday - I really wanted to not feel sad, but couldn't move on from it.

Cranking up

Man am I a crank-ass today.

I was feeling great for days. Friday we had a great time with E and J. We went out to dinner and sat outside in the warm night eating wonderful food. Saturday I was so happy to go to the farmers' market, spend some time at reed, hang out at a bbq and hear Split Lip Rayfield play.

Sunday was fine too, with garden puttering, etc. Even Monday was good, as I was busy at work and felt so productive.

Tuesday was ok until the evening. C and I went to the all-faculty end-of-year dinner. We sat with some of C's colleagues, including this prof who is pregnant. While I can be happy for friends who are pregnant, I find myself getting very annoyed and crabby about other pregnant women. How DARE she be pregnant again when I can't conceive once? Not very loving and open of me.

Speaking of not very loving and open. I haven't congratulated candace on her new baby.