I Had All These Plans

In the past two weeks, I considered and re-considered what I would write about today.  I have a print out of the three embryos, seconds after they were returned to me.  (My doctor was so proud of how well they showed up that he gave us a copy to keep.  Commemorative, if there ended up being something to commemorate. I thought I might scan the image and post it here, with the circles and arrow and exclamation points.

I thought about the metaphors I could use, the words I could write.  Two Thursdays ago I started to be convinced I was pregnant. Thursday evening I had an intense and prolonged hot flash.  Foolishly, I googled "implantation hot flash" and found hundreds of women who described having experienced such an event.  But really, google any combination of words and you'll get something you want or fear to see.

A few days later, rational thought returned and I was not sure whether I would be pregnant or not. By the weekend I was positive I wasn't pregnant. Two days of spotting and I was sure how this would end. I knew my body was primed for a menstrual cycle, but I would have to wait until Monday to be told to stop the projesterone, so that my body could resume its regular workings.

All this is to say that I am not psychic. As much as I would have liked to, I had no real information about my status.  Until 12:30, when I called my voicemail to get a message from Jill. "I've got good news" she said.

I had all these plans about how I would write about this, and how would deal with another failed cycle. But plans change, and I am happy to report that instead of dealing with loss, I am dazedly counting forward to another summer birth.