Thursday, July 31, 2008

The real problem with IVF

It is not the cost. We are lucky enough to have the financial support of my family. Without that, we would have long ago been done with this process and settled for good into our three person family.

It is not the pain. I have a higher threshold for pain than I would have thought. Even though the progesterone shots have arguably gotten harder over time as my backside has increasingly given itself over to scar tissue, they are bearable and never hurt for long.

It isn't the possibility that it will not work. Though I reserve the right to wail and gnash my teeth should the need arise, I am coming to terms with the fact that I may not have another child. 

It is the fucking scheduling. After our most recent round I wanted to go again as soon as possible. However, my travel schedule was going to be a problem. In late June I was scheduled to fly to Boston for a conference. I really wanted to go and did not want a maybe-event to keep me home. I put off the next cycle for a month. When my period started I consulted the calendar and found that starting the process would mean cancelling my plans for San Francisco and interrupting my vacation at the beach with several early morning drives to visit my Portland doctor. So again I put it off.

Now I am waiting for the go-ahead to start again. Once I start bleeding I can begin the two weeks of birth control pills, followed by a couple of weeks of follicle stimulating drugs and the paired joys of egg retrieval and embryo transfer.

So what's the problem? The timing. One of my favorite bloggers invited my family up to see hers on Labor Day weekend. (and to hear Neko Case perform, one of our shared enthusiasms) Once again, I am looking at the calendar. A month from now looks like exactly when I can't be away.  Crap.

I have put off this round of IVF twice. I can not wait any longer. I hope Mother-Woman and her family will forgive my indecisive rambling and back and forth emails (I'd love to visit, I don't know if I can come, yes we'll be there! No wait…).  Somehow I think they will. In any case, the bug is in my ear, and I will see them soon. If the IVF works, I will know I made the right decision. If it fails? Probably still the right decision, but it will sting a little more.

Thanks for your patience, Mo. You are welcome here any time.


  1. You are a beautiful writer and photographer. I had a sense that this would be so when we met at BlogHer - but I am blown away.
    And the desire to hide out in the bathroom stall at BlogHer. I actually did a fair bit of that. The over-stimulation is the hardest part for me. And I try to stay well away from the drama...
    Thank you for sharing your story with us. As we discussed at BlogHer, our particular life challenges do not define us but they do enhance how we see the world, no?
    I am wishing everything you want to come true. And I will keep reading.

  2. Let me know if I can help in any ada, e.g

  3. I know where you're coming from.

    I hope it's a success.

  4. Hi - just came over from AM...

    Just from reading this, I can tel you are an amazing writer and person. And I wish you the best with this!

  5. am thinking of your poor, brave ass!

  6. The nature of this scheduling is something you make so clear. When I had a friend right here and busy ivf'in I didn't get it.

    Amazing the clarity you bring to something in so many respects is the soul of ambiguity.

    Thus today's post.