Thursday, May 08, 2008


All week, every time I thought about whether or not I might be pregnant, my stomach flip-flopped. Friday at 9:30 I get a blood test, but I won't know for hours after that. I feel so hopeful, but know that the hope will just serve to make the crush of disappointment worse if I get that sad-voiced call. A couple of months ago my sister was joking about Obama's 2006 audacity of hope speech. She said that everything bad that had happened to her in the past few months was worse because of hope. Maybe we should call it the insolent heedlessness of hope. The horror of hope. (Fred Milton would say "hope: so toilet!")

But still I can't help it. That irrefutable kernel stays with me.

We'll see.


  1. I totally know what you're saying, but sometimes hope is all we have, and we have to hang on to something.

  2. hope keeps me going every day. i am hoping for you too. i get the stomachsaults every time i see you have a new post up. fingers crossed.

  3. Keep hoping.

    Remember the power of positive thinking.

  4. I'm holding a kernel for you, too.