This is really hard.
I am crying every day, something I am familiar with but have been spared for a while.
I am distracted, not by sadness that this round did not work, but by the creeping realization that it likely won't ever work. I know I have said that it is different now that I have Ada, but it is still an ache I can't lose.
It has only been a few weeks and it will get better. I know it will get better. When will it get better?
A friend stopped by and we celebrated his good news - a baby girl. Chris and I are thrilled for our friends and very excited to meet the new baby. Our friend left, and moments later returned to express his sadness at our bad news. I was an immediate puddle, appreciative of his love and concern, but horrified that I could not stop crying.
I cry at work and then turn around to talk about health reform or political gossip, pretending my nose is not running and my eyes are not red. I cry when people ask me about it, but annoyed when they don't.
My co-worker who is in treatment for cancer came in to the office while I was still red-eyed and soggy. How can I be sad about my life? I recently talked to two good friends who have fertility issues of their own, both related to past or current medical conditions. How can I be sad about my life? What kind of asshole am I?
Friday, May 30, 2008
I need to get over it, I can't get over it
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no. kind. of. asshole.
ReplyDeleteagain, the mystery is wide and you simply know it.
Sadness is sadness and disappointment is disappointment- not matter to the degree. Dear, you are no asshole. You are so brave to have kept trying, this is no easy thing to brush off. I hope you have brighter days ahead.
ReplyDeleteYou are allowed to grieve. Your situation is painful; you should cry as much as you need to. I'm so sorry, and wish I could offer more than that.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear the latest news. You're so far away from being an asshole. Loss is difficult and you are entitled to grieve for as long as you need to. Comparison to other's situations should make no difference.
ReplyDeleteMisery is not relative, sweetie. You can't compare. You feel awful, and I'm so so sorry you're going through this - let yourself feel awful. You're not on a timeline to get over it. You're not on a bell curve of the "right" to grieve.
ReplyDeleteThat said, positivity studies say that the pain finally equalizes out about a year to a year and a half after a major life event. I think part of what's been so hard for you is that this event doesn't end. Stupid hope. It may never not hurt. But eventually it won't hurt like this - theoretically. I'm sure it's all very easy to say from outside your pain.
Much love to you and to C & A.
It's already been said, but absolutely, no kind of asshole.
ReplyDeleteYou can grieve this anyway you need to. And if you need us to be there, we will. For anything.
Again, we love you three.
The fact that you are moving forward, even as it hurts, is what proves you are no "asshole". The pain continues, so it may feel like it won't end, but you need to hang in there. We'll be here for you, too, before, during, and after.
ReplyDeleteYou do not have to get over it. You can't get over it.
ReplyDeletePlease let me know if you object to my post. I feel a tad insensitive but I have thought of you all day; maybe it was ok to say so?
You are not an asshole - you are grieving for something - you are allowed to be sad and weepy. It sucks, in all kinds of ways.
ReplyDeleteechoing what everyone else says. i have no clever words or bits of wisdom, just love and sympathy. take your time, be kind to yourself. don't beat yourself up for grieving. we all love and support you, whatever you need to do, no matter how runny your nose is and how red your eyes are.
ReplyDeleteIt isn't assholey to cry.
ReplyDeleteI think there is a physical element to your sadness that you won't be able to think yourself out of.
But, yet I'll try to rationalize it. It sounds like you feel guilty to be sad about a major life disappointment in the face of your relative good life.
Who is behind the voice that is telling you to get over it? If it is yourself telling you to be happy, not to waste time being sad, that might be someone to listen to. But if it is some mean old puritanical person saying you aren't entitled to your feelings; that person is an asshole.
Ahh...I am so sorry...
ReplyDeleteWe can't compare, we can't feel bad for others..just our own pain.
it is not smaller or less...
you are not selfish....
But the ache and the sorrow...they change how we view everything...
impossible..you could never be an ass. I am the ass for not asking...I don't ask because I don't want you to cry. I do care and I think about you guys all the time. Don't give up just yet...
ReplyDelete