Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Not as composed as I'd like

(neither the post nor my emotions)

It just sucks. I really want to have another child, but I am starting to doubt it will happen. There is a good chance it won't (or will, for you half-full people) - about 50% chance with a fresh cycle. But that is a big maybe to be facing. And if it doesn't work, there will be a few more trys left, with frozen eggs. That is good and bad. I can barely wait the month to try our next cycle. If it doesn't work, and we have to wait a month to try again, then wait and try and wait... It is too much. I can't not try, I feel physically compelled to exhaust all our options. But I also want to know for sure. I want to be able to move on. I am so far from moving on.

If today I knew for sure that we would never have another child, I would be looking at a long time to recover from that. I tell people that I will be ok, that if we can not have another child I will get over it. That is true, I will - because I have to - but I tell them that because how can I say how much it already hurts, and how much more I am afraid it will hurt to through that being my truth?

I want to be over it. I want to not be hurting, to be done snapping at Chris for dumb things, to be more loving and hopeful and happy. Instead I am jealous and selfish. There is no way to where I want to be but through the next few or many months. I so much wish there was. I'd agree to live through the sadness if I knew for sure that was ahead. Not knowing is eating me slowly.


  1. Raw emotions are messy and complicated. It's okay to be uncomposed when life is so uncertain and difficult. Many hugs.

  2. I have no balm for your pain. You have our empathy and our support.

  3. ignorance is not always bliss.

    stranger warmth to you from across the land...

  4. I wish it was so much easier for you. This is beautifully composed because I feel your emotion. I'm truly wishing and sending positive thoughts your way.

  5. I'm glad you have this outlet for what you're feeling.


  6. Not knowing is the worst part. 'Cept there's still hope.

    But hope is for creatures of faith.
    And.. creature of faith sometimes are too plentiful this time of year.. don't you think? Makes anyone with a brain in their head turn skeptical (or tap into the skeptical bits in said brain.)

    Happy Hanukkah.

  7. Girl, I can totally feel your pain. Did 10+ years of the fertility treatments and unfortunately for me to no avail. I wish for you success and the most wonderful baby ever. As for the pain, no matter what anyone says, there is nothing that will make you feel better and feel less pain. Trust me, been there, done that, got the t-shirt. We are here to give you love and support and I'm sending hugs to you from one Oregonian to another.

  8. Mary, I am sorry to hear you went through that. All I can say as much as desire is strong, you must be very strong too, to have gotten through so much. Thanks for your good thoughts.