Friday, October 26, 2007

Balance Sheet

After I got my negative blood test results, a good friend reminded me that I didn't owe the blogosphere a report, that I could wait to write about it, or not write about it at all. Having written about the lead up didn't require me to follow through. She's right, but I wanted to write about it. I wanted to acknowledge what happened, not just to get the (very much appreciated) kind words of condolences and support, but also to note that I'd lost something. I realized I wanted to mark the loss after talking to my sister on Tuesday. Karen suggested that my experience might feel different from having a miscarriage. I agree that it is different, but I still experienced the news that I wasn't pregnant as a loss.

I lost the pure potential I'd carried in my heart, if not my uterus. In the two weeks between implantation and blood test I felt it was going to work out. I had moved past the test to the first ultrasound. I was waiting to hear Jill tell me that, like the first time, my hormone levels were so high I was likely carrying multiples. I'd started to wonder what we might name a boy. How we'd afford the time off. I'd invested in a good outcome, and on Monday I lost that investment.

I don't mean to suggest I suffered a life-changing loss. As low as I was on Monday, by Tuesday I felt significantly better. It helped that it was a perfect, beautiful fall day in Portland and that Ada was at her most charming all day. It helped that I have wonderful family and friends. It helped to hear from so many of you. It was not an earth-shattering loss, but it was a loss nonetheless. Lucky for me I have a pretty heavy list on the plus side of my balance sheet, so a loss here and there is sustainable.

As just one item on the plus side of my lifetime balance sheet, I offer this clip of Ada "reading" Maurice Sendak. Please forgive the odd angle. We were in post-bath mode.

video



Thank you again for all your kind words and support. They have meant a lot to me.

4 comments:

  1. you know, i can't help but suggest that the loss you've experienced may be the loneliest loss there is...it wasn't miscarriage, it wasn't fetal death, it wasn't a stillbirth, it wasn't SIDS...it was earlier than all those...it was more raw and basic...it was the loss before those gains...

    strength on to you.

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  2. (un)relaxeddad10/28/2007 5:07 AM

    It's the same kind of grief, I think. I recognise a lot of what I felt (I can't speak for supermum but I know it was similar fo her) at the time when we had a miscarriage last year.

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  3. I just happened across your blog, but wow, what an honest post. I can't imagine how hard it must be, and I'm so sorry for your loss.

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  4. I think it's very much like a miscarriage. I have had the sperm and egg meet and a positive pregnancy test but for whatever reason it decided not to stick. I'm simplifying things, of course, but it's really the same as having a transfer.

    And anyway, no matter which way you slice it, a loss is a loss. Hope you are feeling better.

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