Good Reads

Some of recent favorites:

A post by Moose in the Kitchen about trying to save a wayward dog (and how it made her feel about San Francisco).

The blog Infinite Garage Project, in which Raina documents all the stuff her mom left behind in her house and three car garage.

Read anything Smacksy writes. She is hilarious and her son is wise.

Naked, But Not Here

Many of you know and love Gwen, of Not Really. I met her when she graciously agreed to let me be a third wheel room-mate at Blogher '08. It was actually quite kind of her, given that all she knew about me was that I was friends with Debbie and needed a place to stay. I can only imagine that she was disappointed when she learned that (unlike Debbie-of-the-amazing-wardrobe) I did not arrive with my entire fantastic shoe collection, and had packed not a single wig. (Really, what was I thinking?)

Lucky for me, Gwen is very kind. Also lucky for me, she is funny. Really super funny in a wonderful dry way. With the arch of one eyebrow she had me in stitches. I am afraid I did not leave her alone the whole weekend. And yet, in her desperation to find people to blog-sit while she went on vacation, she asked me (and a bunch of other women with whom I am glad to be even tangentially affiliated) to write a guest post. And today is the day my post appears on her blog. So go visit! Look, it's me, naked. Or rather, it is me talking about naked.

Given that Gwen, when she is not traveling the U.S. on her summer tour, currently lives in Zurich, I considered titling this teaser post Live N--de Swiss Girls but I decided that would get me too much skeezy traffic. As it is, I saved this post about kids-n-naked until I could write about it someplace other than here.

Favorites?

I am in a rut, blog-reading-wise. I have my favorites and my daily reads, but during the past year, when things were stretched and I didn't have time for blogs that didn't either make me laugh, cry or swoon on a regular basis, I dumped a bunch of the blogs I followed. Now I want some new ones, but have not had a ton of luck so far.

Can you help? Tell me two of your favorite blogs. (More if you are inclined, but at least two.) Also, why? Are they funny, beautiful, thoughtful, inspiring? I don't care if the authors are moms or not (or women or not). I read parenting, personal, crafty, photography and political blogs. The writing should be good or the pictures better be stellar. I need some new reads. (because I have so much extra time on my hands these days!) Right. Well, in any case, can you help a sister out?

On the topic of new favorites, check out this great sweater Grandma Sally made for Mira. 

She made one in blues and green for Ian.

Edited to add: as long as I am asking for help, if you have any ideas for how to use approximately 50 billion leeks and six baby heads of napa cabbage, let me know that too, will ya? (I love leeks, but in the past week we've grilled, roasted and sauteed them, and a new load of them arrived tonight. Napa cabbage is so far not really in my repertoire.)

Loving My Small Blog, Coast to Coast

A while back I mentioned that Mayberry Mom's Catherine proposed a Room Of Your Own session for this summer's Blogher. And now I am happy to congratulate Catherine, because the session (Little Fish in a Big Pond: Understanding, Accepting, and Loving Your Small Blog) was accepted! Catherine was kind enough to ask for my feedback when she put the session idea together, and I will be joining her as a presenter at the session. It is a little early for me to start worrying about what to wear, so for now I will just suggest that if you are going to Blogher that you stop by and say hi!


 

Happy Days are Here Again

Mayberry Mom added me to her list of bloggers that make her happy, which makes me giddy with joy. (No really, reading her post made me very happy.)

Reading Mayberry's list got me thinking about what makes me happy these days. Some of what occurred to me:

• They Might Be Giants' song Seven and jumping around singing "we want cake, where's our cake?" (while I'm at it, this is a great song too.)
• Ada is potty trained. I know this happened months ago, but it still knocks me out. 
• Coworkers who are also friends.
• I get along so well with my parents and in-laws that I look forward to their visits. 
• The just-ended stretch of sunny February days included a weekend. 
• Good coffee and being able to have a second cup when I want to. 
• A friend and I signed up for a series of plays this year, so I periodically get to the theater without having to think about whether or not a particular play will be "worth" it. 
• The gray month of my current photo project is almost over.
• Moving my huge rosemary plant freed up more room in the garden. I will be adding tarragon and cilantro to my herbs. 
• Magpie Musing sent me two charming unsigned postcards before I thought to compare the handwriting with that of a card she'd taken credit for. (I couldn't read the postmark on either of the anonymous cards. What did you do, Maggie, bribe the post office?

Please join in. Comment with your happy lists, or post about this yourself. I want to know what makes you happy!

Small Blog, Big Idea?

Mayberry Mom has a Room of Your Own idea for Blogher 2010.

Her proposed session is Little Fish in a Big Pond: Understanding, accepting, and loving your small blog.

 

Here is the synopsis: Make your blog work for you, no matter how big or small your audience or reach. Size doesn't have to matter as long as you are getting what you want and need from your blog (which will be different for everyone). We'll also touch on how to grow, sanely, if in fact that's important to you. For new bloggers, and for veteran bloggers who fear they've reached a plateau.

 

This is an issue that really interests me. I have been blogging for 4 years and have a small (but wonderful) group of readers. For the most part this is just right for me, but once in a while (say, when those "best of" lists come out) my smallness stings a little. I am interested in hearing what others think about having a "small blog", whether it is a joy, a temporary situation, or something else.

 

No matter what your take on small blogs, please vote for the inclusion of this session in the Blogher '10 program. Go here to comment or vote (or both)!   (you have to be logged in to Blogher to comment or vote)

Two Queens

After seeing a few interviews posted on some blogs, I decided to sign up for Neil's interview project.

I got to interview Queenie, of Baby, Borneo or Bust. I read a bunch of her archives and came up with some questions that, in my typical style, are pretty wordy. Queenie was nice not to complain about that.

* ** * 

Me: It is interesting to me to have gotten your blog in this experiment, as I am a fellow survivor of infertility. Our paths have been quite different, but I can relate to a lot of what you write about experiencing. I started blogging about my infertility after my older daughter was born, by which time I had talked to a lot of people in real life about what my husband and I went through. Is your blog your main outlet for talking about infertility, or are you "out" about it in your real life? If you are open about it, is it easier or harder to talk about in person compared to the blog? If you do not talk about this in the rest of your life, what made you decide to blog about it?

Queenie: I am not "out" in real life about our journey to creating a family.  It just has never been something that I wanted to talk about.  There were a couple of different issues.  First, because my husband and I are "older" parents, most of our friends are well past the toddler years, and none of them had any problems that I know of.  I just didn't think my friends could relate to what we were going through.  But perhaps more importantly, if we were not able to ever get pregnant, it just wasn't something I wanted people to know about.  I didn't want a crowd waiting every month to see what happened, and I didn't want input from others on what we should do if we couldn't get pregnant.  I didn't want people to know how we got from A to Z.  I really just wanted it to be us, making our decisions.  We were so old that people just assumed that we didn't want kids, so we never go any questions about it.  It just seemed natural to keep it to ourselves.  By the same token, I needed an outlet, and I needed support.  I needed a place to go and talk about what was going on, preferably with people who understood where I was coming from.  When I found Stirrup Queens, I found the infertilty and loss community, and blogging seemed like the perfect solution.  My blog has become the place that I dump how I am feeling at a particular moment, and it's been a great outlet for me.

Me: From reading your blog archives, it seems like you started blogging in large part because of your desire to have a baby and change your priorities regarding work/life balance. Do you consider yourself an infertility blogger? What will happen to your blog when your baby is born? Do you think you'll be a post-infertility blogger? A mommy-blogger? Something else?

Queenie: It's funny, but I don't consider myself to be an IF blogger, and I don't think I'll consider myself to be a mommy blogger after the baby is born.  I started the blog because I needed a space to dump all of the neuroses that were in my head, and that's still what I primarily use it for.  People reading my blog probably get a pretty one-sided picture of me, because it's really not all that multi-faceted.  I definitely started it when I was in a very bad place personally, in terms of both the struggle to create a family and also a personal/professional life that was badly out of balance, and I'd like to think that I've created more balance over the last year.  I'm not sure where it will head from here. . .stay tuned!

Me: I noticed that you are renovating your house and expecting the arrival of your baby. This kind of thing is more common than I'd think it would be; I have known people who move or enter into serious renovations after they get pregnant. What caused you to do this right before your baby shows up?

Queenie: We've actually been renovating our house for YEARS!!!  We've been doing the work ourselves (my husband is very talented and in the field), and have basically done a gut rehab, which is why it has taken so long.  It probably would've continued plodding along at a glacial pace, but for the imminent arrival of the baby.  I actually joke that if I had known that having a baby would've sped up the renovation timetable, I would've started trying to get pregnant years ago. I have noticed, by the way, that a lot of IF-ers seem to have renovations underway.  It is a good distraction at times. . .until you find yourself 9 months pregnant and needing to move out of your house so certain things can be completed, and then it's just a giant hassle!

Me: What does it feel like for you to be pregnant after such a struggle to achieve it? Do you feel scared, elated, at all conflicted? What about pregnancy is different than you thought it would be?

Queenie: This is such a good question.  For the first 4 months, I was certain something was going to go wrong, and I worried constantly about miscarrying again, or something being wrong with the baby.  We got worrisome stat's back after doing the NT scan, and opted to do chorionic villus sampling.  We went to a major, internationally renowned facility to have it done, which had a very low complication rate, so I felt comfortable doing CVS.  I knew I couldn't handle the wait until amnio would be possible.  When we got the normal results back, it was like a weight had been lifted from me.  We were outside the first trimester at that point, and I just decided that I shouldn't worry any more.  Since then, I have had a great, easy pregnancy (knocking on wood right now).  I think that is what has been most surprising for me about this pregnancy--how easy it has been.  I had always imagined pregnancy would be harder and much more uncomfortable.  Over the last few weeks, I have definitely become somewhat uncomfortable, but until then, I felt great.  That was a thrilling discovery--to feel well physically and to be worry-free was such a huge thing for me.

Me: A year ago you said there were three things you most wanted - a particular job overseas, to start your own business, and a third thing that at the time you could not bring yourself to write about. Has anything changed? Are the first two the same, and can you now disclose what the third wish was?

Queenie: Those three things were three things that I most wanted to accomplish professionally.  I can tell you that I continue to progress toward the job abroad.  I have been working my way through the hiring process for about 10 months now, and just learned last week that I've passed another hurdle.  As a backup option, I am still contemplating opening my own business, and I think that's something that I will be thinking a lot about in coming months, particularly after the baby is born.  As for the third thing. . .I still can't bring myself to say it out loud, but it's definitely still there, swirling around my mind.

Me: Your new years resolutions last year were to work simultaneously toward to your three goals and to take steps to improve your overall health. It can be really hard to stick to "do good things for myself" goals, even when you know they are linked to other things you want (like getting pregnant). How well do you think you stuck to your health-care improvement goal?

Queenie: I have done really well with my goals for last year.  I think that's probably why I've felt so good during my pregnancy.  Last winter, even before getting pregnant, I really made it a priority to eat well, get enough sleep, take vitamins, and to gain some weight.  I felt a lot better as a result, and I think that's also why we were finally able to achieve a sustainable pregnancy.  Before that, I had always put myself last as a priority.  After I became pregnant, I continued to take good care of myself, and put myself first.  It's been hard at times (particularly while working on that big project during November), but I've managed to stick to it.  I think that's also why I've felt so good during my pregnancy--I was treating myself so poorly last year and felt so bad as a result that all of the changes that I made really made a huge difference in how I felt, even pregnant.

Me: What are your resolutions for the coming year? (Please don't tell me it is "get more sleep" - as a mother of small children I can tell you that one will be hard to keep.)

Queenie: I haven't even thought about New Year's resolutions for this year.  My life is in a tremendously different and better place than last year.  I was in SUCH bad shape a year ago, in so many ways.  It's amazing to think of how far I've come.  This baby is just the icing on that cake.  Maybe it will be to slow down even more and to enjoy each passing day with the baby, because this time will be so fleeting and irreplacable.  If the job pans out that I want, it will mean a big move and lots of change, so it will be important to prioritize appropriately.  It's so hard to be a modern woman, but I just can't help wanting it all (at once)!

Me: I saw this from a post you wrote this past March: "How can you prepare for something so utterly huge, and which you've never experienced? At the end of the day, it's really a total leap of faith." Reading that made me think about an article I read that talked about people's orientation to the world. The author wrote that some people are optimists, while others are defensive pessimists. Optimists prefer to think that things will work out and not focus on the possible horror scenarios, while defensive pessimists feel compelled to prepare for all the horrible things that could happen. How do you see yourself? Does your orientation to the world differ depending on the type of situation you are facing? Do you respond to the possibility of a great new job differently than you do to the possibility of a successful pregnancy?

Queenie: I haven't seen the article, but from your description, I would say that I am totally a defensive pessimist, and across the board, regardless of circumstance.  When I am stressed about something, I definitely think out all of the negative scenarios that can happen, and prepare myself for how I'll handle it if the worst comes true.  My husband, on the other hand, is incredibly optimistic, and I drive him crazy.  I always tell him that we have different ways of handling things, and my outlook helps me manage the worst case scenarios.  On the other hand, my perspective also sometimes keeps me from doing things I should really do, because I can get defeatist about it, and think I have no shot.  It's good that my husband is so optimistic, because there are times when he's forced me to do things where things have turned out really well, and I would've never taken the step forward without his encouragement.  I need to learn to do that more, and take more risks.

* ** *

The second Queen mentioned in the subject line above is the Draft Queen, who posted her interview with me at her blog The Drafts Folder. Thank you to Queenie for answering all my questions, and thanks to the Draft Queen for her questions to me.

Thanks for all the fun!

Despite being at home with the family instead of living it up at Blogher, it looks like I (or at least the photo of my head) had a great time.

I got to hang out with cool women:

Mayberry with Goon Squad Sarah and Magpie Musing, and with the Bloggess

Mayberry Mom took me all over town. I got cozy with a unicorn's butt, ate cheeseburgers and indian food (this focus on food pictures shows that despite having not met me in person, MM knows me all too well).

More evidence of what a good time my head had are here and here and here. And here.

Thanks!

Edited to add:

Apparently not ALL was joy and glamour for my head. Christy was only able to get one picture before her daughter ate my head. Maybe in retaliation for me spelling her mom's name wrong in a prior post?

No Fiona, NOOOOOOO!

Edited AGAIN to add:
Melissa figured out who the original head on a stick is! The head that Gwen and I found last year is Karen Meg's head! Nice detective work Melissa!

Books for Babies (Thanks!)

A while back my pal Mother-Woman sweetly arranged a virtual baby shower that features book recommendations. (At first I thought it might be weird to write about this myself, but you have to see these book suggestions!)

Having received some cool books from the Mo-Wo family, I am thrilled for ideas from her and the others who participated.

Check them out at:


Cheeseblog
Librarian Mom
Mad Hatter Mommy
Mama without Instructions
Mayberry Mom
Sarah and the Goon Squad

Oh, and Mo, Ada is still talking about when we get to go back to Canada to see you and yours. I told her that it would probably not be this year, but maybe next year we could go back. She is looking forward to showing the twins around. Neko Case not required.

You want a piece of me?

A a month or two ago I sent an email to some of the bloggers I've met over the years, asking if they were planning on going to Blogher, and if so if they would help me with a little project.

As I mentioned when the location for Blogher '09 was chosen, I was disappointed that the event would not be in Portland because I could actually see going if I could use my house as base for the twins and all their stuff. Plus, I love Portland and was excited for other women bloggers to love it too. But ok, Blogher will be in Chicago again. As much as I'd like to go, I decided that attending a conference with twin newborns was probably a bad very idea.


Quick digression/background: Last year, while Gwen and I were standing around cursing critiquing people's shoes and muttering about having missed the free alcohol, she found a photo glued to a stick. We asked around, but never found out who was shown smiling on the picture. We dubbed the unknown woman "Gwen's favorite blogger" and carried her around Blogher, taking pictures and using the head on a stick as a prop when chatting with strangers.

Gwen and her favorite blogger on the way to dinner

(not pictured, Debbie barely tolerating our adolescent giggles)

This was for me a great entertainment. I love theme photos. I am the girl who takes a cowboy hat to a party in order to force people to take pictures with it. When Chris and I moved from Chicago to Rhode Island, my friends gave me a home-made Mrs. Potato Head, which I carried with us on the road trip and photographed checking the map, getting her hair done at a salon, and meeting the locals in our new city. (I had plans to dig up these photos and include them in this post, but then I had the babies and all extra time and energy was sucked into a breastfeeding vortex. I will find the photos in a few more years.)

So, in March I emailed a bunch of people to gauge their willingness to take me along, or rather to take a picture of me along, on their trips to Blogher. I didn't ask that they refer to me as their favorite blogger. All I asked is that if they agreed to have me send them my picture on a stick, that they take it with them to Blogher and take pictures of themselves and stick-head me during the conference, around Chicago, or wherever else it seemed like a good idea.

I quickly drafted an email, hit "send" and then got worried.  What if no one agreed to participate? What if no one even responded? What if they hit "delete" before even reading the message? Luckily, just an hour after I wrote the email I found three responses in my inbox. Three amazing, hilarious, creative bloggers had agreed to take me with them to Chicago. A few hours later the lovely Mayberry Mom emailed to say she was in too. I was sad not to meet her last year (her trip was derailed by her daughter's illness) but at least my face will be near hers this year! Then Melissa and Sarah wrote to say they would do it too. Gwen said she'd take me if she decided to make the long drive from the western suburbs to downtown Chicago.

I emailed this group of women for a variety of reasons: some I know in person, others I meet and liked at Blogher '08, while still others have blogs I have enjoyed reading and I took a little leap. Also, I had their emails on file. (I may be adventurous about asking for goofy favors, but I am still lazy.) So, if I didn't email you, it isn't because I don't want your help. I do want your help - if you are going to Blogher and want to bring my head on a stick, comment or email me and I will send you a head on a stick. My plan is to print out photos this week and then wander over to the post office once I have addresses.

I'd love to travel with you if you are going. My head on a stick makes an ideal roommate. It won't snore, won't steal your drink and you can imagine it saying all kinds of complimentary things about your outfits. (I'm nice that way.)

I am excited to see the pictures people take.

If you think you want to participate, let me know. I would really appreciate it. I am anticipating some long months close to home, and it would mean a lot to me to see my photographic likeness making it out and about.

Christy, I noticed your blog says you are going. No pressure.

And, apropos of nothing:

Mira, Ian

Twins! (But Not Mine)

For the better part of a year I have been reading about Rebecca's life; her efforts to get pregnant and her experience with a twin pregnancy. I have really connected with Rebecca's posts, both because we have been on what turned out to be parallel paths, and because she writes with honesty and humor about her experiences.

I stopped by Facebook this evening, and to my surprise saw that Rebecca had posted photos of some "new additions" - turns out that her twins arrived on Saturday, a bit early but from the look of things healthy.

Congratulations Rebecca! I wish you and your family much happiness!

Help for a Little Guy

I don't know this woman. Until this week I had never visited her blog or heard of her. But through another blog I saw a plea for help for her son Ike and her family. Ike was born 13 weeks early, which meant a lot of work and expense when he arrived. He did better than expected, but then his father was laid off and the family's health insurance was terminated with no warning. You can read about it here.

It touched a nerve for me, both because twin pregnancies are automatically on pre-term delivery watch, and because at work I am engaged in efforts to reform the health care system so that this kind of thing does not happen to people. (Well, that the loss of insurance doesn't happen and doesn't keep people from getting needed health care. Someone else is working on pre-term birth, I imagine.) Personally, every time I am gripped by a strong series of contractions I worry that the twins will show up before we or they are ready for them to be on the outside. I have read a lot about twins and NICUs and the scary process of parenting in the hospital. But yes, it was the loss of health insurance that pushed me over the edge. I am not an advocate for a "single payer" health care system - as nice as it might be, I think it is too late for the United States to go down that path. (for the wonks in the crowd, please see the great article by Atul Gawande in the January 26 New Yorker.) I do think that people should have access to health insurance and health care whether or not they are employed, and that people who lose their jobs should have an easy way to get connected to continuing coverage. (I will admit I am not sure what the situation is like for workers in Texas, where this family lives, but even with technical "access" via COBRA, that can be a prohibitively expensive proposition, especially for a family that just lost a wage earner.)

For those who just tuned out because I got all wonky on you: 
The point here is: these people could use some help. Even a few dollars would probably mean a lot. You can donate by Paypal (go here for the link) and in other ways. I sent them a little, and hope that by writing about this a few more people will too. I wish for the best for Ike and his family, and hope that my family will never have to face what they are going through.

Lemonade

Rebecca recently gave me a Lemonade Award. Based on the idea of life giving you lemons, etc., it is sort of a "good attitude" award. Which recently is kind of laughable, but I appreciate the thought nonetheless.

Apparently getting this award means I am supposed to:

• link back to the person I received the award from. No problem. (See above)
  
• nominate 10 bloggers who are deserving of this award! (how about 4?)
  

This second bit is harder, not because I can not think of people who deserve it, but nominating people then requires them to post about it, etc. Did I mention I am bad about chain mail? Bad, but also easily guilted, so recently when my friend Ann sent me an email recipe chain, I emailed her that I could not do it but still send her a recipe because I felt bad about my response.

That said, I will give this a shot, but I have no expectation that the named bloggers will comply unless they want to. For various reasons, I appreciate the attitude these women bring to their writing:

Laurie
Mayberry Mom
Holly
Gwen

Once a Month Is Not Too Much To Ask

Last year I wrote about my friend Stephanie's battle with breast cancer. I hoped that more than a wagging finger demanding people conduct self-exams, Stephanie's story might get a few more women to take  action on a monthly basis. It has helped me remember, and I tend to be terrible about that kind of thing.

This year I want to encourage you to conduct self-exams by telling you something happier. At last summer's Blogher, I met two fantastic women who have become daily reads: Laurie and Susan. These women are articulate, funny and kind. And they have both battled cancer. Both have had good news on that front in recent weeks and months. I so much enjoy reading their blogs and am thrilled by their good health.

I hope my female readers will start or continue to do monthly self-exams. Those of you with blogs bring me a lot of joy, and my readers without also add to my life through your comments and good wishes. (Also, as a health policy wonk, I have a professional as well as personal interest in good health.) Take this small step. Hopefully you'll never find anything, but if you do I hope it is caught early and is but a small bump in your road.

Good health and good wishes to us all!

Eggplant for Haters

Magpie Musing and I recently talked about eggplants. She does not like them, and until this summer, neither did I.  Actually, I am still not crazy about eggplants, but I do have one recipe that I enjoy enough to pass it on to her (and to you).  My anti-eggplant/pro-this recipe declaration feels a little like a racist who declares he doesn't like people of such-and-so race, except for that one friend of his who happens to be of that race. Except where racism is just dumb, anti-eggplant bias is totally understandable. So without further ado I present:  

The Eggplant Recipe For People Who Don't Like Eggplant

• 2 Chinese Eggplant  I can only vouch for this recipe if you use skinny asian eggplants. If you use globe (american) eggplant, I think it will be like any other recipe made with globe eggplant, which is to say: sucky.
• Canola oil
• about 1/2 cup Chinese rice wine
• 1/2 to 3/4 cup broth 
• Sesame seeds
• Soy sauce
• Honey or brown sugar
• Dark sesame oil
• Scallions, chopped (I use the whites and some of the greens)
  
• Salt

Slice the eggplants in half lengthwise. Fry the eggplant halves in canola oil (open side down) until they are a bit browned. (don't expect the eggplants to be cooked at this point)

Add the 1/2 cup rice wine and 1/2-2/3 cup broth.  The eggplants should be mostly covered. Cover and simmer until the eggplants are pretty soft when poked with a fork.

Toast the sesame seeds in a dry skillet.  Scootch them around with a spoon to keep from burning.

Heat up a little water (maybe a 1/4 cup) and melt the honey or brown sugar. Make a sauce of soy, honey or brown sugar, sesame oil, chopped scallions, and toasted sesame seeds.

When eggplant is soft, cut halves into pieces, then add to sauce.  Add salt if needed (though I think the soy sauce is salty enough).


Note: Don't come to me all up in arms, yelling "how can you discount eggplant parmesan?" Eggplant parm is something I can eat, but choose not to because really, wouldn't it be better without the eggplant?

Crossing My Fingers

Please join me in hoping for a positive test for my IVF-blog pal Penny, as she goes in for her blood test today. 

I have never been a big fan of blogs solely focused on infertility.  Maybe it is that the issue is too close to my heart for me to read regularly about this particular pain, or maybe I just have not connected with the writing of other infertility bloggers. Penny's blog Incompl-te is an extraordinary exception.  Throughout her round of IVF, she has written clearly and with good humor about the milestones, emotions and small details that make up this process.  As crazy as it sounds, I have looked forward to her daily posts, which are written in a tongue-in-cheek "what to expect" style.


Penny, I wish you the best and have  my fingers crossed for a good outcome.  Whatever the results, know that I care about you and hope for many good things for you and your family. 

To Friendship

After a string of "I will" "we can't" "ok, maybe" "no, wait" emails were flung from my fingers to Mother-Woman's inbox, Chris and I finally committed to a pan-Cascadian trip to see this fine woman and her family.  Before I get into how great they are and what a wonderful visit it was,  I feel compelled to offer the following Public Service Announcement:

If you find yourself at the U.S.A./Canada border, and the very nice Canadian border guard asks, after taking possession of your family's passports, about the purpose of your visit, it is reasonable to answer: "We are visiting friends."

But, when that guard follows up with: "How do you know them?" it is perhaps not advisable to (honestly) declare that your wife met them on the internet.

Unless you want the guard to ask skeptically, "Have you met them before?" which you will be compelled to respond to in the negative.

"But I have known them for almost two years" you might chirp nervously.

At this point, you can not fault the guard for asking about the nature of your web site. Using all your powers of restraint, try not to use the word "blog," but simply respond that you discuss parenting issues and bathroom remodels. The guard might then decide that you are not heading up to Vancouver to sell your child to these "friends" and may allow you on your merry way with only a raised eyebrow and a laugh at the expense of those foolhearty Americans.

**            **            **

Now that we've got that out of the way, on to the gushing! I feel somewhat overwhelmed by how fun it was to visit Mother-Woman and her family. I am always a bit nervous right before anything new, and to be honest, the border guard's skepticism could have been well-founded. Not because we were likely to be housed by dangerous criminals, but because a virtual friendship can be very different from one based on real, in-person meetings. In this case, I should not have worried. Mo-Wo is lovely, charming, smart and fun. And cute, so cute. P-man, who shows a consistently curmudgeonly face to the internet, is actually a charming and funny guy.  Plus, he very kindly guided us to the house when I called from across town to say "help, I messed up the directions!"

But enough of those two.  The real charmers are their kids. Miss Fancy and the toddler I came to think of as Captain YES! are lovely, adorable children with way better table manners than my child on a good day. (Let's just say that only one child climbed under the table at dinner, and it was not either of Mo's.) They were so cute I wanted to eat them up. But that would probably have crossed some guest-host boundary.

Ada immediately took to both kids, enough that by bathtime of the first day she got in the tub and asked: "where are my girl and my boy?" Enough so that when I told her that all four parents would be going out, leaving her and the kids with people (okay, grandparents) she'd met only minutes before, who would feed, bathe and tuck her in, she was not at all phased. Enough so that on our post-return trip tricycle ride around the block, Ada declared her desire to be just like Miss Fancy. (Never mind that she meant she wanted the same kind of streamers on her trike, I later used it to further my potty-training agenda.)

Mo-wo and P-man are incredibly gracious and kind, they fed us well and made both excellent conversation and delicious coffee. Before the visit I worried about whether we would have enough to say to one another to make it through the weekend. Luckily I was wrong. We talked about kids, work, gardens, books, neighborhoods, politics, beluga whales and why the band Destroyer is crap. (Chris, who is reading this over my shoulder, notes that Destroyer only has one song, played repeatedly throughout the show we attended. And what was up with the people who were there to see Destroyer and LEFT after Neko Case came on?)

The girls (er, skate and hermit crab) building a fish-lodge at the Vancouver aquarium

A few months ago Metrodad asked his readers about how they viewed their internet relationships: were they as important to people as in-person friends? Even though I have a couple of good friends who I met through blogging, I have in-person relationships with them that are now more important to me than our blogs. These women live nearby, making it easy to get together regularly.

Mo-Wo and P-man are hours away, across an international border (though thankfully, no time zones). We probably will not see one another often, but this weekend makes me wish that were not the case. I want to be able to stop by for coffee and have them bring the kids over to barbecue. As wistful as it makes me feel that I can not pull these wonderful people into my everyday social life, I am thrilled that I have that wish. I only hope that they had a good time this weekend and are not now changing their phone numbers or planning a name change.

Oh, and speaking of hope, I very much hoping that Blogher does end up being in Portland next summer, if only because P-man has threatened to attend, tarted up in drag, no less.

Did You Buy That New?

A few weeks ago I hinted that Debbie was all fired up about an idea for a new blog. Well, spitfire that she is, Debbie got the blog up and running.

Before I tell you about the site, first a story to explain how I got involved with it: in high school, I wore clothes designed to make me blend into the background. My college roommate turned me on to thrift shops and vintage clothing. Home on vacatiions, I proudly wore my oversized 50s dresses and 30s heels. My mom, who loves a good sale and rarely buys clothes at full price, was not impressed by my thrifty finds. Her usual response to my polka dot dresses and threadbare coats was: did you buy that new?

This question became a running family joke, applied to all manner of clothes purchased over the years. When Debbie told me she was planning a blog about incorporating thrifted, vintage and repurposed clothing into everyday fashion, I insisted that she use the phrase to title her blog.

Did you buy that new? is part how to, part show-and-tell, part eco-fabulous lifestyle blog.

Debbie and the other contributors are a bunch of fabulous women whose closets I will raid just as soon as I can convince them to tell me their addresses. I will be contributing as well, hopefully offering ideas for ways you can wear used clothes without your mother asking if you've become homeless.

Please check it out. It's your new guilty pleasure, without the guilt.

The three best things I read this week

Magpie Musing on marriage and equality for all.

Julie Pippert, arguing that the fact that she cares about her hair does not mean she does not also think deeply.

Thailand Chani, sharing her life in order to increase our understanding of the nuance behind a stereotyped group.



Thank you all for producing such thoughtful and heartfelt writing.

The real problem with IVF

It is not the cost. We are lucky enough to have the financial support of my family. Without that, we would have long ago been done with this process and settled for good into our three person family.

It is not the pain. I have a higher threshold for pain than I would have thought. Even though the progesterone shots have arguably gotten harder over time as my backside has increasingly given itself over to scar tissue, they are bearable and never hurt for long.

It isn't the possibility that it will not work. Though I reserve the right to wail and gnash my teeth should the need arise, I am coming to terms with the fact that I may not have another child. 

It is the fucking scheduling. After our most recent round I wanted to go again as soon as possible. However, my travel schedule was going to be a problem. In late June I was scheduled to fly to Boston for a conference. I really wanted to go and did not want a maybe-event to keep me home. I put off the next cycle for a month. When my period started I consulted the calendar and found that starting the process would mean cancelling my plans for San Francisco and interrupting my vacation at the beach with several early morning drives to visit my Portland doctor. So again I put it off.

Now I am waiting for the go-ahead to start again. Once I start bleeding I can begin the two weeks of birth control pills, followed by a couple of weeks of follicle stimulating drugs and the paired joys of egg retrieval and embryo transfer.

So what's the problem? The timing. One of my favorite bloggers invited my family up to see hers on Labor Day weekend. (and to hear Neko Case perform, one of our shared enthusiasms) Once again, I am looking at the calendar. A month from now looks like exactly when I can't be away.  Crap.

I have put off this round of IVF twice. I can not wait any longer. I hope Mother-Woman and her family will forgive my indecisive rambling and back and forth emails (I'd love to visit, I don't know if I can come, yes we'll be there! No wait…).  Somehow I think they will. In any case, the bug is in my ear, and I will see them soon. If the IVF works, I will know I made the right decision. If it fails? Probably still the right decision, but it will sting a little more.

Thanks for your patience, Mo. You are welcome here any time.