My godson was once so tiny. That was a long time ago. Now he is a running, laughing, complicated-story-telling blur. I love how enthusiastic he is, and I am thrilled to have caught a him a few times the other day:
Mayberry Mom added me to her list of bloggers that make her happy, which makes me giddy with joy. (No really, reading her post made me very happy.)
Happy Birthday Chris. I know you don't like a fuss, so hope you won't hold it against me that I like to tell everyone it is your birthday. To make it up to you Ada and I promise not to eat all your birthday cookies. Hmm, maybe it is time to make some birthday cookies.
Edited to add: I ended up making cupcakes instead. Chris didn't seem to mind.
Mira: crawling, in the traditional style
Ian: commando crawling (arms only)
For my birthday, Chris got me a diana lens for my digital SLR. This might seem like a weird idea, getting an incredibly low tech toy camera lens for a high tech digital camera. It might be, but it is so fun. It is freeing to slap on a lens that makes everything, um, impressionistic (to be polite). It lets me think about framing, color and mood, without being too obsessed with getting the focus detail just right. Plus, the diana only works in full manual mode, which pushes me to pay more attention to what I am doing as I take pictures, instead of leaving things at one aperture whether or not it is appropriate to the light and situation.
I hate it when people blog about how they are having a hard time finding things to write about. Really, what is the point? You are uninspired, you are tired, you are busy. Why would anyone want to hear about that? And yet...
NO. I won't do it.
Instead, I offer:
Friday is the day I am home alone with all three kids. This can be great or it can be a horror show. Determined to avoid the latter, I suggested to Ada that we go to the library. Ada is almost always more fun when we leave the house. Something about staying home makes her clingy and whiny and (even when she is being pleasant) prone to asking me to play dolls, which I (parenting failure on my part, I know) hate. But really, what could be more boring? I am always trying to steer her toward games or legos or really anything but holding three dolls at once while pretending to take them to the park. Again. Plus, one doll's head tends to pop off unexpectedly, and I am always made to be that doll, so there's the added stress of playing while trying not to decapitate the toys.
But back to the day: getting all three kids out the door can be tricky, especially if (due to illness, say) Ian and Mira are not synced in their naps. And yes, the babies were out of sync, but it worked out anyway and once they were both up we scooted out the door. As expected, Ada was completely lovely the moment we went outside. We talked, looked for rocks, and avoided stepping on cracks all the way to the library. (As an aside, although a little put out that I would not let her pilfer a lovely river stone that caught her eye, Ada seems to understand why it is not okay to take "special rocks" out of people's yards. In addition to not stealing from my neighbors, this rule has the benefit of limiting the number of rocks that come home with us.)
On the way there, we passed a man sitting in his yard with a baby. We stopped to say hello and compare ages, and we entered into our usual conversation with strangers:
Man: Are they twins?
Me: Yes. Whenever you think you are having a hard parenting day, you can think of us.
Man: Wow. (Making small bowing motion) I'm impressed. I feel like one is hard!
Me (backpedaling): Actually, they are pretty good. It helps that I had practice with her (pointing to Ada). And she's a really good big sister.
Immediately I thought to myself, why am I such an asshole? Why do I need this nice stranger to acknowledge my workload? All parenting is hard, and why make him bow to my superhuman parenting abilities? I need to stop implying that things are so much harder with twins. I mean, they are harder in some ways, but there are a lot of ways in which just having one baby and a preschooler would be just as challenging. It really depends on the day, or maybe the moment.
Speaking of the day, the rest of the day Ada was a joy. After the library we popped into our local biscuit shop for eats. When we got home (just in time to feed Mira and Ian before they passed out) Ada decided she wanted to stay outside. So, fine. We agreed she could play on the porch or in the yard, as long as I could see her my perch in from the dining room. Ada is so good about this kind of thing. She played on her own for an hour while I got Ian and Mira fed, diapered, nursed and in bed. Then I went outside and we played until Mira woke up. Then we read books and hung out outside most of the rest of the day. At some point I thought to myself that I needed to remember to tell Ada how much fun I had with her, what a joy she was to be around. (I did tell her that at bedtime, but I am not sure she actually heard me, as she was practically asleep when her head hit the pillow.)
What I want to do:
Take better pictures
Sew a groundhog ipod cozy
Be more fun as a parent
Get back to sewing clothes for myself and the kids
Make a crown for Ada
Read more
Laugh more
But I feel so stretched as it is. Tonight after dinner I suddenly literally could not keep my eyes open. Retreating from table to couch, I lay down and fell asleep. I woke up only when Ada and Chris were getting ready to go upstairs.
I don't know if the answer is to work more or work less. Right now I am entering a busy time at work, which means more working in my "off" hours. So far it is not too much, but I look at a friend/coworker who has put in a super-human number of unpaid hours and wonder when I would be able to say it was too much. Financially I need my job, and intellectually I really enjoy it. I also enjoy that I work part-time. I want to spend more than two days a week with my children. And yet, at the end of one such day with them I am emotionally and physically spent.
How do you find balance, or is that a myth?
Chris is watching the first episode of the final season of Lost. The show ends and a commercial for a new Honda comes on. Hearing the music, I perk up.
"It's the pata pata! Do you know how many people find me by searching for 'pata pata'?"
"How many? More than three a week?"
"Yes!" (A quick check of my sitemeter shows that 4 of my most recent 40 visitors fit this description.)
"You should throw them a bone."
"What? I already posted about the pata pata."
"You could do more. How 'bout a weekly pata pata post?"
(I won't do that, but for those of you here looking for the Honda ad, this is your lucky day.)
Excuse the photo quality (snapped with my phone). I spotted this at the fancy grocery store near my house:
Digging through old unused posts I found this from April 2009:
Despite being fairly well a slug these days (oh how I love being out of breath after a walk up the stairs!) I have managed to get a few things done. While Chris and his mother painted the babies' room, I painted a dresser to match, and made hooded towels.
Nursing Ian tonight, I started thinking about another reason I am not sure I want to give up nursing: this is the last time I am going to do this.
I know this is a crazy reason to want to keep nursing. The fact that something will never happen again does not make it on its face worthwhile. Of course, there are a ton of good reasons to keep nursing: it is good for the babies; it is way cheaper than formula; it lets me eat an extra cookie a day; and I love the sweetness of having a baby in my lap, cuddling with me. I love when they reaching up to touch my shoulder blade or face. I even love when they break off nursing to smile and babble. When I am working at home I take breaks to nurse. It is time with Ian and Mira that I won't likely have when I stop nursing. I know myself well enough to know that once I stop nursing, I won't have those minutes alone with each baby on work days, even though I would like to think I would still stop during the day to play.
I know that I keep saying that breastfeeding is ending soon. Earlier, I needed to know that I could stop, that things would be alright for Ian and Mira whether or not I exclusively fed them my milk. Later I thought that one or both of them was rejecting the breast. Now I see my milk supply waning as the babies take strongly to solids. And pumping sucks. (not to mention reduces my productivity at the office) At six months, I thought I'd try to stick it out until 8 or 9 months. Now that I am at 8 months, this still seems like a reasonable goal, but I am not quite ready to give it up. Maybe I will be entirely sick of this in a month, we'll see. For now I am enjoying the warm babies while I have them snuggled up against me. (Even when those warm babies come with ice cube fingers. Brrr!)
Taking pictures of two roly poly babies is hard enough, but throw Ada into the mix and I am NEVER going to take another picture of them without at least one blurred out. I was going to post a few examples (Ian and Mira fine, Ada blurry; Ian and Ada fine, Mira blurry; etc) but even when everyone is in focus, I still face the problem of getting them all to even look at me, much less to smile and not wiggle a bunch. (I think I write this every month.)
Mayberry Mom has a Room of Your Own idea for Blogher 2010.
We must all learn to live together as brothers or we will perish together as fools.
Martin Luther King Jr.
December 18, 1963
Ada got a bicycle for Christmas. Santa got the credit, but Chris and I got to see Ada enjoying the bike, so it works out okay. She likes biking on the sidewalk, but gets a little nervous about going downhill. We decided to walk to our local elementary so that Ada would have a lot of space to ride around.
Chris and I put Ian and Mira to sleep each night with a bottle and some snuggling. One of us sits with a toddler in our bedroom, while the other uses the rocker in the kids' room. Ada likes to be upstairs while we do this, and more and more she wants to be in the room with one of us. This used to be a problem, as her presence made it hard for the babies to relax and fall asleep. These days it is easier for her to lounge on the bed next to where I sit cradling Ian in my arms. (We do have somewhat of a loosely enforced "no squirming" policy, however.)
Recently I sat on my bed with Ian as he drank his pre-bed bottle. Ada lay under the covers, peeking up periodically to see us and try to grab my attention. At some point she started singing Ian a lullaby of her own invention. Hearing her sing to him, Ian strained to sit up a little and smiled around his bottle. Ada was thrilled, and thus inspired she continued singing until the bottle was finished and Ian was ready for bed.
There was something in their reaction that made me think for the first time about the relationship that Ada and Ian will have one day. It isn't that I do not notice their interactions. Just today I laughed as Ada whipped Ian into a frenzied laughter, getting him to chase her and keeping close enough to hold his attention without making it too easy for him to grab her. He and Mira watch Ada like hawks, taking in her every move and mimicking her in so many ways. She is often the first person Ian and Mira asks about when they get up. It is clear that they love her, but now I saw a glimmer of the special relationship they will develop and thought how that relationship will have nothing to do with me or my relationship with either of them.
This realization came with the recognition that my children will have other relationships that will quickly eclipse the bonds they have with Chris and with me. It was an electric moment, because this hits at a big part of why I wanted to have more than one child. I wanted to give my children the opportunity to have this kind of relationship with a sibling, the kind I have with my sister.
It isn't that my parents are not important to me. On the contrary, I am quite close with my parents and have a full relationship with them that runs from chatting about how wonderful my children are to health policy "shop" talk. But my relationship with my sister, even when we are not a period of constant communication, is one of the most important in my life. She is my confidant, my entertainer, my adviser and my shoulder to cry on.
I know not all siblings have a close relationship, either as children or adults. And I know I can't engineer things how I want them for my children. But I do hope that Ada, Mira and Ian will be as lucky as I am and have close and lasting relationships with one another. It doesn't seem too much to ask.
The day-to-day operations of our home and family take a lot of work. Definitely more work than with just one child. For the most part Chris and I are pretty on top of things, but this does not leave a lot of room for relationship maintenance. Chris and I have been married for over nine years, and we were a couple for another eight years before that. We have worked out a lot of what couples need to work out to stay together, but as with any relationship, you can't just ignore the work of a relationship forever (trying desperately to work in an auto repair analogy and failing wildly).
Lately I have felt the effect of this lack of focus. I am not trying to suggest that things are going poorly, but I find myself snapping at Chris than I'd like, especially when I know that I am annoyed at him for things that in other circumstances would not bother me at all. To counteract this crankiness and (for lack of a more descriptive or smooth term) emotional disconnection, I am taking purposeful steps to cement our emotional bond. Specifically, I am kissing Chris more. Before he leaves in the morning, upon my return from work, after we have put the babies to bed and we are standing together in the kitchen. This is a very small thing, but sometimes I forget to show Chris how much I love him and enjoy his company. Through my actions I remind him and remind myself. So, yes Chris, I am doing this because I love you and because it reminds me that I love you. (I can almost see him laughing at me because he has just realized that once again, I have found a way to multi-task, even in my emotional life. I am all about efficiency.)
Ian's stellar growth inspired the following (with apologies to Irving Berlin):
Here he comes lookin' for his pjs
It's for sure, sure and not for maybe
Don't ask when he'll get new ones
Here he comes so hear straight from the baby:
If I seem to babble and moan
It's because I have grown
I may really look a sight
Wearing the clothes that come with night
You don't have to ask me
I won't waste your time
But if you should ask me
Why I feel sublime
I'm
Growin' out of my pjs
Can't be wrong that they feel too tight
It's for sure, not for maybe
That I'm all dressed up tonight
Growin' out of my pjs
Can't be bad that I'm so strong
Never felt quite so big now
And my new pair is super long
There'll be smooth sailin' 'cause Mom's trimmin' my nails
With a bright shine on my head it never fails
Growin' out of my pjs
Put me in some ones that fit
Ask me when will the day be
The big day may be tonight
Ada is very good friends with Lila, the girl down the street. Ada has told us that when they are grown, she and Lila will get married and have babies together. Lila's mom reports that Lila has the same plan.
This close friendship is as I'd hoped, but it is not without its down-sides. Specifically, Ada and Lila are what you might call "naughty" together; they do not attempt to burn down the house or try to suffocate their siblings, but they misbehave together much more than either of them do with other children. Over the past few months, together they have: tried to pee standing up (unsuccessful from the vantage point of getting the urine in the toilet); drawn on each others' arms, bellies and faces; cut Lila's hair; torn apart a very nice book; colored on all manner of things that should not be treated that way (a wall, a stuffed Minnie Mouse, my papers...); tried to poop standing up (again, with decidedly unhappy results for our bathroom floor)... This is not an exhaustive list, but you get the idea.
I have been very resistant to getting high chairs for the babies. The one we had for Ada was a hand-me-down, and it was sort of on its last legs when we got it. Once she was able, we put Ada in a booster-style seat so she could sit at the table with us. By the time Ada was done using the high chair, I was thrilled to get rid of it.
We started feeding Mira and Ian before either of them were able to hold themselves in a seated position. It made sense to use the Bumbo chairs to prop them up while we fed them. They work pretty well, except that Mira has developed an annoying habit of leaning over to grab whatever she can reach. Before we can feed her we have to move everything out of the way (her reach is pretty impressive, given how little she is) and strategically place the food so that she can not get to it on her own. Plus, there is the whole problem that once I am faced with a baby sitting in a Bumbo (which is on the table) I can't just walk away to get more food. As Chris and I often feed the babies together, usually someone else is around if one of us needs to get up, but when I am by myself, the kids like to eat more than I have planned for.
This weekend Mira kept going for the spoon, so when I needed to smush up some more avocado, I let the kids distract themselves with the plasticware.
I just watched John and Kate Plus Eight for the first time. The episode centered around the family's trip to the pumpkin patch, and the parents talked about how they get organized to leave the house with all those kids. Putting aside the fact that just the fact of having six children at once seems crazy to me, it is a little humbling that these people could have ever left their house or gotten anything else done with so many children. It feels like a lot of work to get out of the house with all three of my children, even when there are two adults involved.
When Ian and Mira were newborns it was actually a bit easier, as they were small enough to cart around for hours. Plus, they would sleep wherever we were, so we didn't worry much about their schedules. Now that they have a schedule of sorts it is hard to coordinate everything so that Mira and Ian are diapered and fed with enough time left over for us to get out before they need to go back to sleep. (And wow, the whole eating thing? I had forgotten how much time that takes.) Even when we can get out, recently Ada has taken to declaring that whatever outing we propose is not to her liking. (We are hearing "that's boring" a lot.)
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